And HE did. Over and over HE did. And the more I looked for ways that HE is good, the more I found.
I call the things I learned about GOD in that season my GOD Truths. These are the very true things that GOD does and is to all of HIS children.
I know that my journey is meant to open the eyes, ears, and hearts of others to who GOD is. To draw them closer to their MAKER. To tell of HIS love for HIS people and HIS goodness throughout all the ages.
One day not too long after losing my second baby, I was sitting at Starbucks having a conversation with GOD (in my head!) when HE promised me something.
HE told me that if I gave over all of my journey to HIM- all of my grief, longing, anger, disappointment- that HE would do something beautiful with it. I asked HIM how anything beautiful could come from the deaths of two babies and HE told me that the same way HE made the death of HIS own SON something beautiful for all mankind, HE would do something beautiful with my story.
I could not see how this could be, but in that moment I trusted HIM- I took HIM at HIS word and I have made the choice to surrender it all to HIM, even when I do not feel like it.
And HE has done beautiful things over these last three years:
- I started using my blog as an avenue to share openly this journey that Jason and I are on- it has become cheap therapy for me and as it turns out, it is a source of comfort and an encouragement to other people, some whom I know and some whom I do not. People from all over the country have stumbled upon my blog and have shared that my story has drawn them closer to GOD and given them a deeper understanding of who HE is- believers and unbelievers alike.
- This past spring I was asked to write an article on faith and infertility for a national newsletter that is not faith-based. I still have yet to write the article, but when I do, thousands of people will get to hear that GOD is good even in infertility......especially in infertility.
- My dear friend Katherine had her second baby earlier this summer and she and her husband named her baby after me- not because she had a special love for my name, but because she and her husband wanted to honor the lives of mine and Jason’s babies and pay tribute to the glory our story is bringing to GOD’s name. What I love most about this beautiful gift is that it is not corruptible; it will not wilt; it cannot rust or rotten. That even after Anastasia Justine has taken her last breath on this earth her name will live on and it will carry a story- our story- and make mention of our babies.
I could go on, but the point of this is not to sound my own horn or make you think that I am something pretty special, but rather to show you how GOD does make beauty from ashes.
It takes surrendering all of it on my part and getting my agenda out of the way so that HE can freely move in and through my journey and put HIMSELF on display.
Charles Spurgeon wrote, "They who dive in the sea of affliction bring up rare pearls."
I love the imagery of those words: I picture a deep, deep black sea- this symbolizes hurt, sorrow, loss, grief, pain, you name it. And then a person dives into it- they don’t just wade in the water, but they knowingly placing themselves in the middle of it. And when they dive in they do not come up to the surface right away- to get air, to at least escape the sea with their head- but rather they go to the depths of that sea. They go to the dark places on the bottom floor of that sea. They explore and find beautiful, rare pearls.
How something so beautiful can grow in such a dark place is a mystery, but it’s a mystery that has an AUTHOR. HE alone knows how it can be so; how a dark sea can yield the most beautiful of treasures.
HE gives beauty for ashes. HE turns mourning into dancing. HIS economy is different than ours. HIS ways are not our ways. HE gives good things even in the midst of our pain and suffering and longing and sickness and heartbreak.