The physical process of losing our baby- our tiny baby that could not be seen on the ultrasound- began at 3am this morning. I awoke scared and in a good deal of pain. There is something about waking up in pain when everyone else is asleep and the sun is nowhere in sight that makes the experience of it all so scary. I am sure I am not alone in this feeling.
The pain scares me because I wonder if it is out of control. Can my body handle doing this again? Am I pushing myself to do this alone when I should be getting help?
This afternoon I made the 45 minute drive to see our counselor. No amount of pain was going to keep me away from seeing him. He is, in some ways, like a father to me. In times of deep hurt- both in body and heart- I to want to be with someone who has a strong and reassuring father-like presence. Roger is that for me.
We spent some time talking about God’s dominion because I had to ask the question if perhaps my body had gone rogue and was no longer operating in the will of God. I mean this was the third time this happened to us and God did give me the words “grow” and “be well” to pray over this baby. Surely something had gone awry and this was not supposed to happen.
Imagine the tears that flowed when he assured me over and over that the Lord indeed has dominion over me. That nothing that is happening now- or has happened or will happen- is out of His control. This is not an accident. Losing three babies is part of my story.
And that kind of Truth makes the fear subside. And it makes you brave.
Not the puffed up kind of brave. Or the brave that relies on your own strength or understanding.
But His kind of brave. The kind of brave that only comes from the One who tells you to build an ark and keeps you in it for 40 days while all the earth and its people are destroyed. The kind of brave that comes from the God who leads you through the desert place and makes a dramatic escape from your enemies. It’s the kind of brave that allows you to step off the boat and onto the water.
I feel a little brave tonight. I feel Him in the midst of what is happening to me and my body. Even though the pain is heightened and the physical part of this is far from being over, I feel a little brave tonight.
And it comes from He who has dominion over me. And it’s there because He has dominion over me.