May 1, 2012

And I Am Not Through With Him Either

It’s important for me to say that my faith in GOD has not been deterred in this. That even though HE allowed us to lose six babies and we are still not promised the gift of becoming parents; and that I still have questions that have not been answered (they may never this side of heaven); and that I don’t always agree with or like how HE does things, who GOD is in my life and the place HE holds has not changed.

I still trust HIM and I still believe HE is good and loving.

After my fifth miscarriage, I took an extended time away from life: work, social commitments, and people. The point of that time was to allow myself to journey to the places I needed to go without distractions and the hope for that time was that I would begin to experience some measure of healing from all of the loss we had experienced.

What I remember most about preparing to enter that time of intentional isolation with GOD (and the other important men in my life, my husband and my counselor) was the thought that kept running through my mind: This could be the thing that makes me bitter. This level of loss and the feelings that come with it could be the very things that cause me to shake my fist at GOD and walk away from HIM.

I asked a few people to pray against that for me- to pray that bitterness would not take root in my heart and grow uncontrollably. That bitterness would not be the legacy I left behind.

That is still a prayer of mine.

Don’t get me wrong, I still have bouts of anger about all of this- I feel some now- towards GOD and people. But anger (and bitterness) will not be the undercurrent that carries me along.

I wish I could jump out of my skin and not go through this again. and not feel what I feel. and not be in this season of life. I wish I could have my longing to be a mom satisfied just as I had always hoped and thought it would be. But I cannot. I cannot choose any of these things.

The reality is that I must continue on this road with, for the time being, this unsatisfied desire, but I do have a choice I get to make: I can do it with GOD or without HIM.

And so I choose do it with GOD.

I choose HIM because the loss of earthly life has been extensive for me and my husband and HE is where eternal life abides. I choose HIM because the alternative is to choose bitterness. I choose HIM because HE promised to make something beautiful out of this.

See, HE is not through with me yet....and I am not through with HIM either.