There are few things that bring a woman any measure of joy like when she finds out she is having a baby. I remember the first time I learned I was pregnant and it was sheer shock laden with great excitement. When we found out we were pregnant a second time, that was a different experience from the first time. While we were excited, we were also cautious and nervous.
And then we learned I was pregnant with you, Liam. Finding out I was pregnant with you was a mixed bag of emotions. It wasn’t that we weren’t excited about you- because we were- but our hearts had been broken twice from the loss of our two other babies and we were so afraid to have that happen again.
But we had hope because that is what you do when you are a mom or dad- you hope and pray for the best for your children. We hoped and we prayed and we invited so many others to hope and pray with us.
Your daddy and I talked about you often and we were convinced you were a boy- our second son. Gosh, we were excited to see you and hold you and call you our own.
And then came our first ultrasound- the day we would get to see for ourselves that you were growing and well.
But where were you, sweet Liam? You must have been hiding in a secret place. You were nowhere to be found. You became a mystery to us and we left that appointment heart-broken.
But now I have seen you, little one.
Seeing you was nothing like I had hoped, but I am thankful beyond words that I had the chance to see you. And I am grateful that you passed through me at home. And it was peaceful and with your daddy.
Liam, I am crushed knowing that you will never be my little boy to hold and chase after. Gone is the chance to lock eyes with you; to comfort you; to cheer you on in your first steps; to sing silly songs with you in the car; or to hear your first words.
So much more has been lost in losing you. In time that which was lost will be found in me again. That’s the beauty of knowing God- He restores us; He heals us. But you already know that because you have experienced perfect and complete restoration and healing.
My grief at the loss of you brings me to my knees. I am struggling to hold on to the only thing I know that is true: that the Lord loves us and He is working for our good. He is always working for our good.
That still does not take the sting away of losing you.
I want you here. With me.
But you were meant for heaven, my dear boy. You were meant for the arms of Jesus first.
Some day you and I will meet. And everything that was heart-breaking about losing you will no longer be. And my arms will have the chance to hold you and my eyes will get to see just how beautiful you are.
That will be a sweet moment. I can hardly wait for it.
I love you, Liam. And I always will. You are forever and always a part of me.