March 11, 2013

On the Fence

We want to thank you for the outpouring of love and prayers you have shown us since we shared our pregnancy news.  I have been overwhelmed by the messages, texts, phone calls, and e-mails that so many of you have sent and so many have brought tears to my eyes because I know now that Jason and I are not the only ones praying for this baby.

Thank you, friends.  Thank you for loving us and for sharing in our joy- it makes this time that much richer and oh so much sweeter.

It has felt foreign and strange to me to be on this side of the fence.  To have so many wish us well and be happy for us when my heart and my memories are still very rooted in the experiences of these past 3 1/2 years.  

We had some dear friends over to dinner and when we shared our news about this miracle baby, the husband asked the question, “If you have this baby, will you be able to move past the past?”

No one had ever asked the question before and even though I am quite the slow processor and often need time to think through my responses, my response came quickly.

The fact of the matter is that our losses and the grief that I have felt have changed me.  

For forever.

And while my circumstances may have changed with this pregnancy, I have not.

Infertility and the deaths of my six babies have changed me.  And they have permanently changed my relationship with CHRIST and how I know GOD. 

Grief changes you.  It has to.  When you become so well acquainted with the dark parts of life, you taste and see the need for a SAVIOR and the need for hope that is not to be found or had in this world.  

The change comes because you have to decide what you are going to do with that grief- are you going to become bitter and resentful and turn to temporary things to mask the pain?  Or are you going to walk through the grief and allow it to lead you to the ONE who promises peace and hope?

And my heart remains with my friends who are still waiting for their babies and mourning their own losses.  These women have become an important part of my own journey and they have been integral in helping me process and heal.  I know the pain they are in and the hurt and longing they feel on a daily basis. 

And so while it is fun to talk to other women who are or have been pregnant and to moan about the many changes to your body and the exciting things to come, my mind always goes to life on the other side of the fence.

My mind pages through the faces of my dear friends who want so badly to hold a baby of their own.  These are “my people” and they are the ones I feel closer to than anyone else right now in this part of my journey.  

I have been the recipient of their sincere expressions of happiness for us and it is their words that I treasure most because I know the place it comes from is hard and it stings with tears.

And so I think where I really am at is on the fence.  I am not on one side or the other.  After wanting for so long to be on the motherhood side and after being so long on the infertility side, I am on neither for now.  

And that’s okay, because it’s just another bend in the road for me on this journey GOD has laid out before me.  I may be on the fence, but I know HE never is.

March 5, 2013

Proof of Life!

It is with great excitement- and a heavy dose of surrealism- that we share that we are expecting our 7th baby.  We have every reason to believe and hope that this baby will not be a glory baby, but a baby that we will hold in our arms this side of heaven.  After three appointments with good reports, we have a healthy baby with a strong heartbeat.  

We have proof of life!

So many of you have loved us and prayed with us over the last 3 1/2 years and we remain grateful to you and your prayers over the course of this journey.  

The journey, at times, has been dark and unrelenting.  But we know that GOD has always been working for our good.  That HE has always loved us.  That HE always was writing a part of the story that we could not see or fully comprehend.  

HE still is and while we still do not know how our story will end, we remain grateful to the GOD who makes all things new.  To the ONE who makes beauty from ashes.  To the FATHER who heals the broken-hearted. And who promises to give us the desires of our heart.

Please keep praying for us and pray that our baby grows healthy and strong and that we can meet them in September.

"...but this happened that we might not rely on ourselves, but on GOD....on HIM we have put our hope that HE will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers.  Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many."  I Corinthians 1:9-10

That's my baby saying "Hi!"