May 18, 2010

Submitting Myself

In less than a week I’ll meet with my doctor and together we will determine what series of tests she will order so we can get some answers on what’s going on in my body that does not allow me to stay pregnant. This will be man’s (my doctor) attempt to understand the complexities of God’s creation (my body). And while I do not know what to expect from these tests, I do know the One who determines their outcome.

So I am submitting myself to the quest of getting some answers, knowing that the answers do not change the outcome of what has passed. I wish insurance paid for the answers I really want. But I have it on good authority that the Lord is not in my network plan. So I’ll have to wait for those answers later.

Each day I am reminded of my loss by the reality that some have what I long for. Sometimes they will vent about their pregnancy aches and pains; their children’s poor behavior; or their lack of sleep and time to themselves and I must remind myself that this is their story. It’s not mine to judge or criticize.

So I am submitting myself to the call to be a friend to those who have what I want. And doing it without judgment or disdain. It’s not easy and I sometimes fail. But I am trying. And I am learning how to be happy for others even when I am sad for me.

Every morning when I wake there is a pain that settles in my heart- it rouses just as I come out of my sleep. It’s my pain and while pieces of it can be chipped away by a thoughtful gesture or a sincere word of care, it stays with me. From morning until night. This morning I spent the better part of my shower crying and asking the Lord why it is this way. He gave His answer. But I still hurt.

So I am submitting myself to the process of living with pain and waiting for healing.

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