A little while back, a friend said to me that she thought it was fitting that I shared our pregnancy news through my blog. “How come?” I asked. The gist of what she shared was that the blog had documented so much of our journey and this baby is a continuation of the same journey, so it seemed only right to tell the story behind this baby coming to be.
“You get me,” I told her. Because she was so right and that is exactly why it did not feel right to just announce it on social media. Even for just my own memory, it felt important to document how we got here.
Somewhere along the way, these past six years have become less about having a baby and more about who I believe God is and how much I trust Him. God used my desire to have a baby and the pain and loss that came out of that to show me more of Himself and to allow me to experience more of Him in real and tender ways.
He’s still doing that.
This baby’s life is a tangible marker of the work God has done in me these years. And though I’ve no idea what the outcome will be, I trust Him.
I know this baby’s life can end at anytime because sometimes stepping out in faith still ends in losing and dying. Sometimes it still means your heart is crushed and your hope crumbles...momentarily.
Maybe it’s because I’ve lost so much that I fear it less.
I know what it’s like to to see and hold death; to walk in the day but feel consumed by the dark; to feel out of control and consumed by grief, jealousy, anger, you name it; to wonder if you’ll be okay and will make it another day; to loathe laughter and celebrations; and hardest of all, to wonder if there is a God who sees you.
I know these things intimately well and yet I can tell you with a sincere heart that losing and dying are actually all counted as gain.
It doesn’t mean that our pain is any less painful, or our longing any less agonizing. It just means that the pain and loss we experience on this side of heaven are not the end of us or what He’s doing in and around us.
After all our losses, I know something for certain: we can only see the page that we are on in the story of our lives. But God- in His supreme wisdom, never-ending love for us- knows the whole book because He is the Author of our lives. And He is an Author to be trusted.
My book is still turning pages and though I’d like nothing more than to skip ahead to the next chapter to see how this will turn out, I trust Him. And that is enough.
Somehow, it’s always enough.