I am 23 weeks along in this pregnancy and I can report that it has only been in the last few weeks that I have felt more excitement than anxiety. Getting to our 20 week ultrasound and knowing that everything is just as it should be with our sweet little boy was a hurdle I needed to jump over in order for my heart to freely and fully enter into the joy and anticipation of his arrival.
So we have begun to make plans for our son’s arrival and in doing so, we no longer talk about “if” he comes home, but “when” he will come home.
When my baby kicks or has the hiccups, I delight in that. And yet, I mourn what I never got to experience with our other six babies. I am still mindful that we waited over three years for this time in our lives to come and that getting here found us losing so much.
A few times it has been said to me that the happiness and excitement we feel now must make up for all that we have endured in the past.
I assure you it does not.
The present joy of things does not diminish or erase the past hurt and losses; rather, it is the losses and pain from the past that heightens the joy of things today.
And so it seems I am turning down a new bend in the road and I am no longer a mother who only mourns. Now I am a mother who continues to mourn, but also one who can see on the horizon something full of life being born out of my body and into our hearts.