August 14, 2012

Don't Count Me Out

Thank you for praying for us these last couple of weeks as we awaited the procedures that I needed to undergo and then waited for the results.

We (but I think mostly me) had so hoped that the doctor would find just one thing wrong with me so we could have something to fix and move forward with, but all of the tests came back normal and we have reached the end of our journey as far as medical testing is concerned.

Jason says that GOD is bigger than anything wrong that the doctor could have found and I love him for that- for pointing me back to the truth of how big our GOD is and how HE could still work a miracle in our lives and gives us a baby through this womb of mine.

There are days that I feel that the LORD is preparing my heart for a life without children of my own and even as I type this I cannot believe that I am admitting this. Nothing prophetic has been said or shown to me, just the quiet peace in my heart that knows that we will be okay if this is where the LORD leads us.

I marvel at the places HE has taken us; at the people we have met and whose lives have been woven with my own; at the stories that have been shared; at the chances I have had to share our story; and at the steady, unrelenting love of our FATHER who has proven over and over that HE has us in this and will never let us go.

Yes, HE is good. All the time. And I am seeing this and living it and believing it more and more.

You may be wondering what is next for us and to that all I can say is “I don’t know.” We still have hope but mine is lessening and my heart feels tired of all of the pain and disappointment that come with getting pregnant again only to lose another baby.

The other day a friend asked me how many babies I wanted and I answered that I always wanted five children but now I have six. Six beautiful beings made in the image of GOD and born from my womb into eternity are waiting for me on the day I take my last breath and I can hardly wait to see them and hold them the way my arms still ache to do.

I feel these empty arms and I think about trying just one more time to see if they may be filled and somehow the longing to fill them outweighs the instinct to want to protect my heart from being broken again.

So don’t count me out yet, friends.