April 13, 2010

When God Met Me at Starbucks

Me: I’ve been thinking about You…..just haven’t known what to say.

God: I am always thinking about you.

I lost my second baby last week.

I know. I was there. I was there when your baby’s heart beat for the last time. I was there when no heartbeat was found. I was there when you wept in the exam room by the glow of the ultrasound screen. I was there when you left the office and rode in a cab back home. I was there when you opened the front door and that wave of helplessness and grief overcame you. I was there when you went to bed crying and when you woke up crying. I was there the whole week you stayed home waiting for your baby to leave your body. I was there the moment your baby left your body. I was there all the time. I never left you. And I am still here.

I know You were there. I felt You there. I felt Your presence in the exam room. I made room for You in the back of that cab. I hoped You would meet us at home and You did. I slept at night because You were watching over me and I got out of bed each morning because You promised to take my cup. You watched over my body and You allowed me to be at home when the baby passed. And You washed over me with Your peace when I looked at my baby and saw no signs of life. I know You were there and I know You are still here. But I feel like You have forsaken me. Like you have forgotten about me and let my baby die.

I know you do, but I haven’t forsaken you and I haven’t forgotten you.

But it feels like you have.

The enemy is whispering this to you and he is lying. Don’t listen to him. Listen to Me and believe Me when I say that I have not forgotten you or forsaken you.

But why did You let this happen? Is there something I did or didn’t do that caused You to take this baby away? Is it because I did not thank You each day I carried this baby? I tried to be cognizant of that- I tried to remember to do that each day because I was thankful. You know I was thankful, right?

I have not taken this baby away to punish you because you did or did not do something. I don’t keep tabs how many times you thank Me for a gift I have given you. You could have not acknowledged this baby as a gift from Me at all and I still could have chosen to let you keep this baby.

But why did You take my babies?

There isn’t an answer I can give you as a grieving mother that would bring you any measure of comfort other than to remind you that I AM good and loving and I work for the good of those who love Me. You can’t understand My purposes now, but I love you and I am working for your good.

You’re right, that’s not comforting……at all. I love my babies and wish they were here with me.

Dear child of mine, I know you love those babies. There’s no question about the love you have for them. You will be with them again one day. I promise.

Do You remember when I was small and played “mommy” with my dolls?

Of course I do.

Do You know the love that leaps out of my heart when I am with children?

I do.

Then why won’t You give me a child of my own?

It’s not time.

I want to crawl in a hole and disappear.

I will find you no matter where you go.

You always know where to find me.

I do.

The pain is more than I can bear.

Give it to Me.

And what will You do with it?

I will turn it into something beautiful.

How can losing two babies be turned into something beautiful?

The same way that the death of My Son could be turned into something beautiful for all of mankind.

You promise to make all things new.

I do. And I will.

Is there hope?

There is always hope for those that love Me.

But I am promised nothing.

You are promised Me.

And that is supposed to be enough?

It is more than enough. I AM more than enough.

It doesn’t feel like it. I don't know what else to say now.

You don't need to say anything more. I know how you feel. Sit with Me a little longer, child, and we will weep together. I know your sorrow- I will take this cup from you. You are weary, I can see that. Your heart is crushed and you have no hope. It is good to sit with Me, for I have overcome the world and your tears of mourning will not always be.

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed." Revelation 21:4


Jen L said...

This is beautiful.

Leash said...

I love you and am praying.

LEGamache said...

Justine -

This is just beautiful. I feel like I have had the same conversation with God over and over in the last few months. Thank you for the reminder that God is always with us even when are hearts are shattered. Still praying for you.

Much love,


Darlene said...

I was directed to your site by a friend of your mother-in-laws. I understand the pain having had three miscarriages in a row after the birth of my first and only child, our miracle after years of desiring children. I offer you this poem:

A Conception of Heaven

Susanna Elizabeth, Josephine Lynn,
and Jean Clare
chatter among themselves, eagerly planning
a welcome tea, a reception all for me
upon my arrival there.

An anticipation of meeting a mother
they have literally never known.
Each adopted a name I had
conceived for them—love
wrapped around each syllable.

I had mourned their unformed lives
as their spirits toddled happily off
to explore heaven's playgrounds
—matured at the knees of Christ himself.

I wonder if I shall recognize them.
And if they have peeked down from above
from time to time for a glimpse
of their family here, mother, father and brother?

I hear their giggles in my dreams.
The light strokes of unseen hands in my hair.
The brush of dry kisses upon a cheek.
Wonder in the land of joy, they seek
what was lost?

How does one prepare,
after all these non-parental years
to greet, meet children for the first time
face to face, in the grace
of heaven's gates?

Darlene Moore Berg