The other night I had a beautiful dream of you. I saw you. You were whole. There was nothing broken. Nothing torn. Nothing separated. You were perfect. And you were mine.
What a gift to have gotten a glimpse of what could have been.
Jack, we would be just weeks away from meeting you had you not been called to Jesus- nine weeks to be exact. Nine short weeks. We gave you the name “Jack” because I always wanted my first son to have that name. Deep in my heart I knew you were a boy and now you are forever our first son. Thoughts of you come when I see a little boy fumbling on a playground, reaching for his mom with sticky fingers or a cheeky baby nestling into his mom’s arms for sleep. I assume you would have your dad’s natural curiosity and my penchant for order and from both of us you would have gotten our love for people. I would have prayed that the Lord grew you into a strong and godly man all the while showing you how to be tender.
Claire, it’s ironic that we gave you the name we did because it means “clear” and my thoughts and emotions have been anything but clear since you passed. I thought you were a boy the entire time I carried you, but a few days after you passed, something in my heart told me you were a girl. You are our first daughter, our second child- though not second in my love for you. I think you would have liked me for a mom. We would have baked and made pretty things for you to wear in your hair and I would have let you pick out your clothes in the morning because I believed in making room for self-expression….even if secretly I was embarrassed at what you were wearing.
You may have not had any physical weight in this world, but because of you, I am softer around the edges; moved more easily by other’s pain; and know the fragility of life a little more. Because of you, I am learning how to grieve while clinging to promises from God that He is working for my good; loving your daddy harder and fiercer than I ever have before; and longing to be with Jesus (and you) more and more. Because of you, I am doing less and being more.
No, you may not have had any weight in this world but you weigh deeply in my heart and I am changed because of you. All because of you.
This morning your daddy and I walked to the lake with you on our minds. I wanted to send you a little note:
We prayed that you would somehow know that we love you. That you are loved.
You are loved.
And the wind carried my message to you:
I wish so badly that I could have given you the message myself.
The day before we went to the lake, a friend sent something in the mail:
Two beautiful birds- one for each of you.
Now I have something to look at each day that reminds me of you. My two baby birds.
Babies, nothing and no one can ever replace you. You will always be a part of our family and if the Lord should bless us with children this side of heaven, they will know who you are.
I have a son.
I have a daughter.
And someday we will see each other and we will be whole. My heart will no longer be broken or torn into two. Our family will no longer be separated. It will be perfect, just as you are now.
You are loved, Jack.
You are loved, Claire.