October 22, 2012

Our Fourth and Fifth Glory Babies

My Sweet Babies,

It’s been a year and a half since you left us and it’s taken this long for me to know what to say in the aftermath of losing you.  

There is so much I don’t remember about the time you came and then went and I think that had so much to do with the shock I was in and the deadening of my spirit that naturally comes with loss and anguish.  

One thing I know for sure is that having you and then losing you changed me and it turned what had been just a personal journey into something that is more like a mission- pointing others to their MAKER and HIS goodness and love for them.  

But that did not happen right away- that part of the journey took time to take root and become something beautiful.  First, I had to walk through a valley that was so wide and so deep and so long I was not sure I would ever come out of it.

Because I lost you I could no longer keep carrying on with life and relationships and pretend that I was okay because I wasn’t.  I wasn’t okay that death engulfed me; that people ignored what was happening; and that you left me.  I was crushed. hopeless. angry. 

And losing you forced the questions I needed to ask GOD and it brought to the surface so many doubts I had about who HE is- doubts I did not know were there.  

And so I did the only thing I knew to do and I stepped away from people, from work, from obligations and intentionally entered into a valley.  I needed space and time to figure out where to go next and I needed to be with GOD.  There was only one thing I asked of HIM- to meet me in that valley. to show up. to be present and near me.

And HE did.  Over and over HE met me in the depths of my despair and in the longing I had to be with you.  HE showed me HIS goodness and HE brought beauty where I did not think beauty could be found....beauty came from losing you.

You did not hold very much physical weight in this world, oh but you hold so much weight in my heart and that is what counts.

Babies, my heart still aches from the sting of losing you.  I wish you were here but I want you to know that even though we did not meet the way we were meant to and you did not change my life the way that babies typically do, you did indeed change me.

In your deaths I saw and tasted and heard and felt HIS goodness.  And because of you, my voice is stronger in a world that is filled with hurting people.

Someday we will meet and I will hold you the way that my arms long to, but until then the goodness of GOD is being made known to many and that, my sweet babies, is your legacy.

As your mom, I couldn’t be prouder.

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