March 11, 2013

On the Fence

We want to thank you for the outpouring of love and prayers you have shown us since we shared our pregnancy news.  I have been overwhelmed by the messages, texts, phone calls, and e-mails that so many of you have sent and so many have brought tears to my eyes because I know now that Jason and I are not the only ones praying for this baby.

Thank you, friends.  Thank you for loving us and for sharing in our joy- it makes this time that much richer and oh so much sweeter.

It has felt foreign and strange to me to be on this side of the fence.  To have so many wish us well and be happy for us when my heart and my memories are still very rooted in the experiences of these past 3 1/2 years.  

We had some dear friends over to dinner and when we shared our news about this miracle baby, the husband asked the question, “If you have this baby, will you be able to move past the past?”

No one had ever asked the question before and even though I am quite the slow processor and often need time to think through my responses, my response came quickly.

The fact of the matter is that our losses and the grief that I have felt have changed me.  

For forever.

And while my circumstances may have changed with this pregnancy, I have not.

Infertility and the deaths of my six babies have changed me.  And they have permanently changed my relationship with CHRIST and how I know GOD. 

Grief changes you.  It has to.  When you become so well acquainted with the dark parts of life, you taste and see the need for a SAVIOR and the need for hope that is not to be found or had in this world.  

The change comes because you have to decide what you are going to do with that grief- are you going to become bitter and resentful and turn to temporary things to mask the pain?  Or are you going to walk through the grief and allow it to lead you to the ONE who promises peace and hope?

And my heart remains with my friends who are still waiting for their babies and mourning their own losses.  These women have become an important part of my own journey and they have been integral in helping me process and heal.  I know the pain they are in and the hurt and longing they feel on a daily basis. 

And so while it is fun to talk to other women who are or have been pregnant and to moan about the many changes to your body and the exciting things to come, my mind always goes to life on the other side of the fence.

My mind pages through the faces of my dear friends who want so badly to hold a baby of their own.  These are “my people” and they are the ones I feel closer to than anyone else right now in this part of my journey.  

I have been the recipient of their sincere expressions of happiness for us and it is their words that I treasure most because I know the place it comes from is hard and it stings with tears.

And so I think where I really am at is on the fence.  I am not on one side or the other.  After wanting for so long to be on the motherhood side and after being so long on the infertility side, I am on neither for now.  

And that’s okay, because it’s just another bend in the road for me on this journey GOD has laid out before me.  I may be on the fence, but I know HE never is.

1 comment:

Sarah Amidon said...

The fence is such a hard and sometimes awkward place. To stay neutral in a time of joy. I think God makes us mothers long before we conceive. It is in us whether we have one to hold or not.

I don't think that by being on the other side of the fence you have to forget or let go of the past because you are right, it is part of you and part of the story that God has written in His book for you. The fence is merely a point of separation between sides of your heart, and standing at the open gate is the next chapter of this story. You can have both. There is great rejoicing for you, your husband, your glory babies and this little one you will hold in the blink of an eye.

Just because your circumstance has changed does not give you or your story any less weight to those still waiting for their's to change. Because really, at this moment, you are hope and encouragement in those seemingly hopeless circumstances. A testament to God's glory and goodness. You can have compassion for those still waiting and be joyful in this time without guilt. Because God is also working on their story! And just like your story is unique to you, theirs will be unique to them as well, to be used to bring glory to our God and to make Himself known to others.

You and your family are being prayed for, Justine! Praise God for your joys that ease your sorrows. Praise God for your sorrows that sweeten your joys.