When a friend said this, it was water to my soul:
“You have a mother’s heart and that is why you grieve so much and so hard. You have a mother’s heart and that can never be taken away and that will never change.”
And my counselor confirmed that I am not crazy and I have not gone off the deep end to grieve this much and this hard. He says:
“Your grief is how you honor your babies’ lives. So your tears, in essence, are hugs and kisses that will never be given to your babies.”
And when a friend, who miscarried at four months, said this to me, it brought me to my knees:
“This baby was supposed to be born and held and kissed. You were supposed to meet this baby.”
And as I sat in her kitchen and watched her make wedding cake, a friend who delivered her baby stillborn perfectly summed up what this journey feels like:
“It’s icky.”
And when I put myself out there and shared some of the darker parts of my heart, I heard:
“I am praying for you.”
And when I went to the Lord yesterday and could only utter this:
“Heal me.”
HE said:
“I will.”
April 27, 2010
April 13, 2010
When God Met Me at Starbucks
Me: I’ve been thinking about You…..just haven’t known what to say.
God: I am always thinking about you.
I lost my second baby last week.
I know. I was there. I was there when your baby’s heart beat for the last time. I was there when no heartbeat was found. I was there when you wept in the exam room by the glow of the ultrasound screen. I was there when you left the office and rode in a cab back home. I was there when you opened the front door and that wave of helplessness and grief overcame you. I was there when you went to bed crying and when you woke up crying. I was there the whole week you stayed home waiting for your baby to leave your body. I was there the moment your baby left your body. I was there all the time. I never left you. And I am still here.
I know You were there. I felt You there. I felt Your presence in the exam room. I made room for You in the back of that cab. I hoped You would meet us at home and You did. I slept at night because You were watching over me and I got out of bed each morning because You promised to take my cup. You watched over my body and You allowed me to be at home when the baby passed. And You washed over me with Your peace when I looked at my baby and saw no signs of life. I know You were there and I know You are still here. But I feel like You have forsaken me. Like you have forgotten about me and let my baby die.
I know you do, but I haven’t forsaken you and I haven’t forgotten you.
But it feels like you have.
The enemy is whispering this to you and he is lying. Don’t listen to him. Listen to Me and believe Me when I say that I have not forgotten you or forsaken you.
But why did You let this happen? Is there something I did or didn’t do that caused You to take this baby away? Is it because I did not thank You each day I carried this baby? I tried to be cognizant of that- I tried to remember to do that each day because I was thankful. You know I was thankful, right?
I have not taken this baby away to punish you because you did or did not do something. I don’t keep tabs how many times you thank Me for a gift I have given you. You could have not acknowledged this baby as a gift from Me at all and I still could have chosen to let you keep this baby.
But why did You take my babies?
There isn’t an answer I can give you as a grieving mother that would bring you any measure of comfort other than to remind you that I AM good and loving and I work for the good of those who love Me. You can’t understand My purposes now, but I love you and I am working for your good.
You’re right, that’s not comforting……at all. I love my babies and wish they were here with me.
Dear child of mine, I know you love those babies. There’s no question about the love you have for them. You will be with them again one day. I promise.
Do You remember when I was small and played “mommy” with my dolls?
Of course I do.
Do You know the love that leaps out of my heart when I am with children?
I do.
Then why won’t You give me a child of my own?
It’s not time.
I want to crawl in a hole and disappear.
I will find you no matter where you go.
You always know where to find me.
I do.
The pain is more than I can bear.
Give it to Me.
And what will You do with it?
I will turn it into something beautiful.
How can losing two babies be turned into something beautiful?
The same way that the death of My Son could be turned into something beautiful for all of mankind.
You promise to make all things new.
I do. And I will.
Is there hope?
There is always hope for those that love Me.
But I am promised nothing.
You are promised Me.
And that is supposed to be enough?
It is more than enough. I AM more than enough.
It doesn’t feel like it. I don't know what else to say now.
You don't need to say anything more. I know how you feel. Sit with Me a little longer, child, and we will weep together. I know your sorrow- I will take this cup from you. You are weary, I can see that. Your heart is crushed and you have no hope. It is good to sit with Me, for I have overcome the world and your tears of mourning will not always be.
"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed." Revelation 21:4
God: I am always thinking about you.
I lost my second baby last week.
I know. I was there. I was there when your baby’s heart beat for the last time. I was there when no heartbeat was found. I was there when you wept in the exam room by the glow of the ultrasound screen. I was there when you left the office and rode in a cab back home. I was there when you opened the front door and that wave of helplessness and grief overcame you. I was there when you went to bed crying and when you woke up crying. I was there the whole week you stayed home waiting for your baby to leave your body. I was there the moment your baby left your body. I was there all the time. I never left you. And I am still here.
I know You were there. I felt You there. I felt Your presence in the exam room. I made room for You in the back of that cab. I hoped You would meet us at home and You did. I slept at night because You were watching over me and I got out of bed each morning because You promised to take my cup. You watched over my body and You allowed me to be at home when the baby passed. And You washed over me with Your peace when I looked at my baby and saw no signs of life. I know You were there and I know You are still here. But I feel like You have forsaken me. Like you have forgotten about me and let my baby die.
I know you do, but I haven’t forsaken you and I haven’t forgotten you.
But it feels like you have.
The enemy is whispering this to you and he is lying. Don’t listen to him. Listen to Me and believe Me when I say that I have not forgotten you or forsaken you.
But why did You let this happen? Is there something I did or didn’t do that caused You to take this baby away? Is it because I did not thank You each day I carried this baby? I tried to be cognizant of that- I tried to remember to do that each day because I was thankful. You know I was thankful, right?
I have not taken this baby away to punish you because you did or did not do something. I don’t keep tabs how many times you thank Me for a gift I have given you. You could have not acknowledged this baby as a gift from Me at all and I still could have chosen to let you keep this baby.
But why did You take my babies?
There isn’t an answer I can give you as a grieving mother that would bring you any measure of comfort other than to remind you that I AM good and loving and I work for the good of those who love Me. You can’t understand My purposes now, but I love you and I am working for your good.
You’re right, that’s not comforting……at all. I love my babies and wish they were here with me.
Dear child of mine, I know you love those babies. There’s no question about the love you have for them. You will be with them again one day. I promise.
Do You remember when I was small and played “mommy” with my dolls?
Of course I do.
Do You know the love that leaps out of my heart when I am with children?
I do.
Then why won’t You give me a child of my own?
It’s not time.
I want to crawl in a hole and disappear.
I will find you no matter where you go.
You always know where to find me.
I do.
The pain is more than I can bear.
Give it to Me.
And what will You do with it?
I will turn it into something beautiful.
How can losing two babies be turned into something beautiful?
The same way that the death of My Son could be turned into something beautiful for all of mankind.
You promise to make all things new.
I do. And I will.
Is there hope?
There is always hope for those that love Me.
But I am promised nothing.
You are promised Me.
And that is supposed to be enough?
It is more than enough. I AM more than enough.
It doesn’t feel like it. I don't know what else to say now.
You don't need to say anything more. I know how you feel. Sit with Me a little longer, child, and we will weep together. I know your sorrow- I will take this cup from you. You are weary, I can see that. Your heart is crushed and you have no hope. It is good to sit with Me, for I have overcome the world and your tears of mourning will not always be.
"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed." Revelation 21:4
April 8, 2010
Our Second Glory Baby
A letter of grief written in three parts
To My Baby:
We saw you on Friday- your little heartbeat was like a twinkling star on the screen- and it seems we lost you on Saturday. A mother knows when something is wrong with her child and deep in the tucked away parts of my heart, I knew on Sunday that you and I were not going to meet the way I had hoped. So when it was confirmed on Monday that you were no longer with us, there was little surprise but just the heartbreaking realization that a mother’s instincts are often right.
My sweet second baby dead in my womb and raised to heaven in the arms of Jesus on Easter weekend. How very appropriate.
I could not bring myself to look at the ultrasound screen as the midwife and technician looked for your heartbeat. But on the way out of the room, both your daddy and I took one last look at you on the screen as we left the room. There you were in all your splendid creation- so tiny and wondrously made by your Maker. It pained me to know that when we left the room the lights would be turned back on, the linens changed, and the screen erased so that the room could be ready for the next patient. Didn’t anyone want to sit in that room and weep over you like I did?
The morning after we learned of your passing, there was a thunderstorm in the city and I think it was especially for you- creation was mourning you. Heaven put on a fierce display of tears and loud and angry booms and that, my sweet baby, was a perfect reflection of your mom’s heart and spirit. It still is.
We chose to come home and wait for you to make your passing out of my body- I can’t tell you how much agony this still brings me, for the thought of you and me being separated like this is unbearable. You were conceived naturally and in this home and by God’s grace and provision, you passed naturally and in this home. I felt the pains of you being separated from inside of me and while I have never been one for pain, I chose this way because it was the only way I could think to honor your too-short life. It was the closest I would ever get to delivering you.
You are loved so very much by me and your daddy. You were not a replacement to our first baby, but rather you were a happy second addition to our family. It does a mom’s heart good to know that her babies are with each other in the presence of Jesus. Oh sweet babies, how loved you will always be; I eagerly await our reunion.
And now we are left to grieve you and cling to and try to make sense out of God’s promise that He works for the good of those who love Him. It’s hard to see the good in your not being here and I suspect it’ll be that way for as long as I live.
You are gone from my womb and I am left to wonder what I could have done differently to have kept you longer. But I know there was nothing in my power that could have kept you here. Your daddy wonders if you were too perfect for this world. Maybe you were.
There is no replacing you. You will always, always be my sweet second baby. And I will always be your loving mom.
To You, Reader:
Nothing can prepare you for the time when life leaves your womb lifeless. Nothing.
I have learned some things about myself and done/said some things through the process of losing two babies and it’s not all that good, really. I have come to think that I can negotiate with God and barter with Him with the hopes that He would let me keep me just one of my babies. What can I give up that would make Him want to give me a baby of my own? And if there is ever a next time, should I pray more and ask for more specific things like “Please God, let my baby have a heartbeat and be in a normal size sac so I don’t have a higher risk of miscarrying”?....I was just praying for my baby to have a heartbeat all this time. I have found myself telling the Lord that I would find it appalling if He did not give me children of my own. I have suspected that He has been withholding His favor from me in this area of my life and have quietly argued with Him while other women go on to have second, third, and fourth babies. I have questioned whom He gives babies to and I have told Him in no uncertain terms that I should be at the top of His list. I have wondered if there are only so many babies to go around and if that’s the case, where do I sign to put my name on the list for consideration? And in moments of desperation, I have shamelessly pleaded with Him to tell me what I need to do to have a baby of my own, as if He would have me answer some silly riddle to figure it out.
What am I to do? How can I have hope after losing two babies? Does anyone out there know the deep, deep sorrow I feel to have lost two babies and come home to a quiet house?
Unfortunately yes, there are people out there who know how this feels and to you, I ask: Is there a book I can read or a song I can listen to that will come at all close to putting into words what I cannot? When does hope come again? And when it comes, will I know it or feel it or see it? Will the day come that I do not want to crawl into a hole every time I see a belly swelled with baby? Did you cry each time you reached for your pre-natal vitamins after you lost your babies? Do you ever wish people would hurt as much you hurt? How long will other people’s baby joy bring up my own pain? And back to the subject of hope- how long will I feel hopeless? Is it normal to feel bitter towards women who are pregnant yet feel equally drawn to them because they are experiencing something I can only dream of, something that all together eludes me? Do I look like someone who lost two babies- am I marked for life? I don’t feel like laughing or smiling- is that okay? Will Mother’s Day be as horrible as I am expecting it to be this year? Seriously, is this really happening to me?
After my first miscarriage, I had to endure some really insensitive comments and while I know people mean well, I think people end up saying the most insensitive things in situations like this out of ignorance. So let me help you know what not to say, not just to me, but to anyone who has ever lost their baby.
Please don’t tell me that I will have a baby someday- you don’t know that. I am promised nothing.
Please don’t talk to me about the hope of future babies- in case you haven’t heard, I don’t have a lot of hope right now. And I am not ready to think about that. I was still grieving the loss of my first baby and now I am grieving my second baby. My two babies are all I can think about now.
Please don’t try to speculate what went wrong this second time around. Don’t assume it is anything I did or didn’t do. Or because we did not wait long enough to get pregnant after my first miscarriage. We waited exactly the amount of time we were told to and there was no reason to think that we were putting our second baby in jeopardy by getting pregnant when we did.
Please do not quote statistics or tell me that this is normal and happens all the time. I could give a hoot about statistics and there is nothing normal about seeing your baby in a toilet bowl. Absolutely nothing.
Please do not compare your pregnancy with various complications with my pregnancies. If you ended up with a baby in your arms and got to take them home, there is no comparison.
And to God:
I am quite speechless. Words elude me and only grief finds me when I come to You. I might be angry with You, but I don’t know if I am…..yet.
You say that you work all things together for the good of those who love You and while I believe that for others, I don’t believe that for me. Why are You asking that I go through this again? I feel like You are torturing me.
Do You see the agony this is causing? Do You see how I struggle to find something in my day to look forward to? Everything was so much brighter, so much happier before. And now, everything appears dull and barren.
Do You find it ironic as I do that not only do I not have any children of my own, and apparently won’t any time soon, but I spend most of my time taking care of and making plans for other people’s children? I don’t know if that’s a blessing in disguise or…..or what, I don’t know.
Do You know how much I loathe being the person whose story others will read or hear about and then they will go on to say things like, “I am so glad that is not me…..I am so happy that I have my children……Thank goodness I never had to go through that”?
I don’t know what to make of this and I feel too weary to walk through this with You. You’ll have to carry me most of the way, maybe even all of it.
In the mean time- and I don’t know how things work up there, but if it’s possible- please give my babies a kiss for me and tell them I’ll be home soon.
To My Baby:
We saw you on Friday- your little heartbeat was like a twinkling star on the screen- and it seems we lost you on Saturday. A mother knows when something is wrong with her child and deep in the tucked away parts of my heart, I knew on Sunday that you and I were not going to meet the way I had hoped. So when it was confirmed on Monday that you were no longer with us, there was little surprise but just the heartbreaking realization that a mother’s instincts are often right.
My sweet second baby dead in my womb and raised to heaven in the arms of Jesus on Easter weekend. How very appropriate.
I could not bring myself to look at the ultrasound screen as the midwife and technician looked for your heartbeat. But on the way out of the room, both your daddy and I took one last look at you on the screen as we left the room. There you were in all your splendid creation- so tiny and wondrously made by your Maker. It pained me to know that when we left the room the lights would be turned back on, the linens changed, and the screen erased so that the room could be ready for the next patient. Didn’t anyone want to sit in that room and weep over you like I did?
The morning after we learned of your passing, there was a thunderstorm in the city and I think it was especially for you- creation was mourning you. Heaven put on a fierce display of tears and loud and angry booms and that, my sweet baby, was a perfect reflection of your mom’s heart and spirit. It still is.
We chose to come home and wait for you to make your passing out of my body- I can’t tell you how much agony this still brings me, for the thought of you and me being separated like this is unbearable. You were conceived naturally and in this home and by God’s grace and provision, you passed naturally and in this home. I felt the pains of you being separated from inside of me and while I have never been one for pain, I chose this way because it was the only way I could think to honor your too-short life. It was the closest I would ever get to delivering you.
You are loved so very much by me and your daddy. You were not a replacement to our first baby, but rather you were a happy second addition to our family. It does a mom’s heart good to know that her babies are with each other in the presence of Jesus. Oh sweet babies, how loved you will always be; I eagerly await our reunion.
And now we are left to grieve you and cling to and try to make sense out of God’s promise that He works for the good of those who love Him. It’s hard to see the good in your not being here and I suspect it’ll be that way for as long as I live.
You are gone from my womb and I am left to wonder what I could have done differently to have kept you longer. But I know there was nothing in my power that could have kept you here. Your daddy wonders if you were too perfect for this world. Maybe you were.
There is no replacing you. You will always, always be my sweet second baby. And I will always be your loving mom.
To You, Reader:
Nothing can prepare you for the time when life leaves your womb lifeless. Nothing.
I have learned some things about myself and done/said some things through the process of losing two babies and it’s not all that good, really. I have come to think that I can negotiate with God and barter with Him with the hopes that He would let me keep me just one of my babies. What can I give up that would make Him want to give me a baby of my own? And if there is ever a next time, should I pray more and ask for more specific things like “Please God, let my baby have a heartbeat and be in a normal size sac so I don’t have a higher risk of miscarrying”?....I was just praying for my baby to have a heartbeat all this time. I have found myself telling the Lord that I would find it appalling if He did not give me children of my own. I have suspected that He has been withholding His favor from me in this area of my life and have quietly argued with Him while other women go on to have second, third, and fourth babies. I have questioned whom He gives babies to and I have told Him in no uncertain terms that I should be at the top of His list. I have wondered if there are only so many babies to go around and if that’s the case, where do I sign to put my name on the list for consideration? And in moments of desperation, I have shamelessly pleaded with Him to tell me what I need to do to have a baby of my own, as if He would have me answer some silly riddle to figure it out.
What am I to do? How can I have hope after losing two babies? Does anyone out there know the deep, deep sorrow I feel to have lost two babies and come home to a quiet house?
Unfortunately yes, there are people out there who know how this feels and to you, I ask: Is there a book I can read or a song I can listen to that will come at all close to putting into words what I cannot? When does hope come again? And when it comes, will I know it or feel it or see it? Will the day come that I do not want to crawl into a hole every time I see a belly swelled with baby? Did you cry each time you reached for your pre-natal vitamins after you lost your babies? Do you ever wish people would hurt as much you hurt? How long will other people’s baby joy bring up my own pain? And back to the subject of hope- how long will I feel hopeless? Is it normal to feel bitter towards women who are pregnant yet feel equally drawn to them because they are experiencing something I can only dream of, something that all together eludes me? Do I look like someone who lost two babies- am I marked for life? I don’t feel like laughing or smiling- is that okay? Will Mother’s Day be as horrible as I am expecting it to be this year? Seriously, is this really happening to me?
After my first miscarriage, I had to endure some really insensitive comments and while I know people mean well, I think people end up saying the most insensitive things in situations like this out of ignorance. So let me help you know what not to say, not just to me, but to anyone who has ever lost their baby.
Please don’t tell me that I will have a baby someday- you don’t know that. I am promised nothing.
Please don’t talk to me about the hope of future babies- in case you haven’t heard, I don’t have a lot of hope right now. And I am not ready to think about that. I was still grieving the loss of my first baby and now I am grieving my second baby. My two babies are all I can think about now.
Please don’t try to speculate what went wrong this second time around. Don’t assume it is anything I did or didn’t do. Or because we did not wait long enough to get pregnant after my first miscarriage. We waited exactly the amount of time we were told to and there was no reason to think that we were putting our second baby in jeopardy by getting pregnant when we did.
Please do not quote statistics or tell me that this is normal and happens all the time. I could give a hoot about statistics and there is nothing normal about seeing your baby in a toilet bowl. Absolutely nothing.
Please do not compare your pregnancy with various complications with my pregnancies. If you ended up with a baby in your arms and got to take them home, there is no comparison.
And to God:
I am quite speechless. Words elude me and only grief finds me when I come to You. I might be angry with You, but I don’t know if I am…..yet.
You say that you work all things together for the good of those who love You and while I believe that for others, I don’t believe that for me. Why are You asking that I go through this again? I feel like You are torturing me.
Do You see the agony this is causing? Do You see how I struggle to find something in my day to look forward to? Everything was so much brighter, so much happier before. And now, everything appears dull and barren.
Do You find it ironic as I do that not only do I not have any children of my own, and apparently won’t any time soon, but I spend most of my time taking care of and making plans for other people’s children? I don’t know if that’s a blessing in disguise or…..or what, I don’t know.
Do You know how much I loathe being the person whose story others will read or hear about and then they will go on to say things like, “I am so glad that is not me…..I am so happy that I have my children……Thank goodness I never had to go through that”?
I don’t know what to make of this and I feel too weary to walk through this with You. You’ll have to carry me most of the way, maybe even all of it.
In the mean time- and I don’t know how things work up there, but if it’s possible- please give my babies a kiss for me and tell them I’ll be home soon.
March 1, 2010
My Favorite GF/WF Things
Some of you have decided to make the switch to eat gluten-free (GF) and wheat-free (WF) and perhaps you are feeling a wee bit overhwhelmed with the choices you have and wonder which are the best-tasting ones. Well let those who have gone before you be your guinea pigs!
I am by no means an expert of all things GF/WF (I've only been eating this way for 10 months), but here are a few of my favorite things:
For Breakfast
Here are some old favorites done up in a new GF/WF way!:
Bob's Red Mill GF/WF oats make great oatmeal and homemade granola (and oatmeal cookies!).
While I am not a big fan of frozen waffles, I would recommend Nature's Path brand. I disliked Trader Joe's frozen waffles- they had an awful after taste.
I also recommend Nature's Path fruit juice sweetened corn flakes and Trader Joe's brand of corn flakes are very economical.
Trader Joe's sells a GF pancake mix but I can't remember if it is WF, too.
I still haven't found a GF/WF english muffin, so if you find one please let me know!
For Cooking
There are so many great GF/WF products out there to use for cooking and to be honest, I have not even scratched the surface of what is avaialble, but here are a few basic things I have found to be GF/WF friendly:
When you can't eat wheat or gluten, it's important to be prepared when hunger comes before meal time. I typically defer to eating things like veggie and hummus; raw nuts; fruit; and rice cakes with almond butter, but sometimes these are not convenient to take on the road or carry in your purse, so here is what I like to have on hand:
Carman's Muesli Bar are your answer to granola bar prayers! They are better than those candy bars, uhm, I mean Nature Valley granola bars and Kashi's awful attempt to make a good granola bar. My favorite is the apricot and almond bars. I have only found these at Whole Foods and since they are pricey ($5 for a box of 6), I wait until they are on sale and load up!
For Baking and Ready-to-Eat Sweets
In my opinion, Pamela's Products can do no wrong. Everything they make is amazing and oh so yummy. Here are a few things that I promise you will love, Love, LOVE!
Technically, I am not supposed to eat these cookies because they have peanut butter and processed sugar in them, but when it comes to peanut butter and chocolate, I do cheat!
Oh good golly, these are pure bliss. I love to have one of these with hot tea or a rice milk latte. I mean seriously, these shortbread cookies are better than what my grandma ever made!
I am by no means an expert of all things GF/WF (I've only been eating this way for 10 months), but here are a few of my favorite things:
For Breakfast
Here are some old favorites done up in a new GF/WF way!:
Bob's Red Mill GF/WF oats make great oatmeal and homemade granola (and oatmeal cookies!).
While I am not a big fan of frozen waffles, I would recommend Nature's Path brand. I disliked Trader Joe's frozen waffles- they had an awful after taste.I also recommend Nature's Path fruit juice sweetened corn flakes and Trader Joe's brand of corn flakes are very economical.
Trader Joe's sells a GF pancake mix but I can't remember if it is WF, too.
I still haven't found a GF/WF english muffin, so if you find one please let me know!
For Cooking
There are so many great GF/WF products out there to use for cooking and to be honest, I have not even scratched the surface of what is avaialble, but here are a few basic things I have found to be GF/WF friendly:
- Trader Joe's brown rice pasta is not only good, but affordable ($1.99 for one pound)
- Quinoa is your GF/WF answer to cous-cous and you can buy it almost anywhere. I highly recommend using chicken broth when cooking it- using water gives it a rather bland taste.
- Brown rice is great as a side or in soups
When you can't eat wheat or gluten, it's important to be prepared when hunger comes before meal time. I typically defer to eating things like veggie and hummus; raw nuts; fruit; and rice cakes with almond butter, but sometimes these are not convenient to take on the road or carry in your purse, so here is what I like to have on hand:
Blue Diamond's Nut Thin crackers are equally good and I highly recommend the Hint of Sea Salt and the Pecan varieties.
Mary's Gone Crackers crackers are tasty and sophisticated enough to serve at a party. I love to eat them plain, but they are good with hummus and almond butter, too.
Carman's Muesli Bar are your answer to granola bar prayers! They are better than those candy bars, uhm, I mean Nature Valley granola bars and Kashi's awful attempt to make a good granola bar. My favorite is the apricot and almond bars. I have only found these at Whole Foods and since they are pricey ($5 for a box of 6), I wait until they are on sale and load up!
For Baking and Ready-to-Eat Sweets
In my opinion, Pamela's Products can do no wrong. Everything they make is amazing and oh so yummy. Here are a few things that I promise you will love, Love, LOVE!
You can use this mix to make cookies, breads, muffins, and more! The flavor is nutty and satisfying and the texture is quite similar to what you would get if you used flour. I especially like to use this mix to make pancakes on the weekend. At our home, we are big fans of blueberry and walnut pancakes- super yummy!
Technically, I am not supposed to eat these cookies because they have peanut butter and processed sugar in them, but when it comes to peanut butter and chocolate, I do cheat!
Oh good golly, these are pure bliss. I love to have one of these with hot tea or a rice milk latte. I mean seriously, these shortbread cookies are better than what my grandma ever made!
Want to trick people into eating GF/WF and show them how good it can be? Bake a cake using this mix and you will succeed! This mix is better than my best homemade chocolate cake recipe and I am extremely fussy and critical of baking mixes, especially cake mixes. I added a cup of chocolate chips (Trader Joe's sells GF chocolate chips for $1..99) to the batter and it makes what is already a perfect cake even more perfect....if that's possible!
Trader Joe's sells a GF brownie mix (I use applesauce instead of oil) and it is pretty good if you are looking for a chocolate fix. Again, I can't recall if it is WF, too.
I also have found Whole Foods GF pie crust to be very good ansd while I have not used them for baking a pie, I do use them for making quiche.
I have primarily only seen Pamela's Prodcuts at Whole Foods, but I know that other grocer's carry their products. You can purchase most of their products from Amazon.com but the cost savings is only pennies and you run the risk of getting expired or nearly expired products (I have heard this can be an issue when ordering food from Amazon).
February 19, 2010
How I Got Healthy
Disclaimer: Healthy living looks different and means so many things to each of us, so know that what I share is what has worked for me and my husband. By no means am I implying that you must follow what I do in order to be healthy. And I am not an expert. The way I see it, I can learn just as much from you and would welcome your comments/tips on what you have found to be helpful in your goal to live a healthy life.
So how did I get healthy?
FIRST, I GOT “GREEN”
Now, I am no tree-hugger. I own a pair of glossy orange boots and nail polish to match them and I wear bejeweled headbands almost daily, so don’t mistake me for someone I am not! At first, getting “green” for me meant recycling and bringing my own bags to the grocery store and Target. And then three years ago I began to look into other ways I could get “green.” What a can of worms I opened!
I got really “green” three years ago by eliminating toxins from my diet by buying only organic foods and using non-toxic methods and products to keep my home and body clean. I know the idea of doing these things can be daunting and it’s easy to be concerned about the cost of it. I completely empathize with you because I was in that same place three years ago and I know it can be overwhelming to sift through all of the information out there and decide what you should do for yourself and your family. It’s no secret that buying organic costs more than buying conventional food and you may be thinking “I can’t afford to do that.”
My advice to you is to start slow and gradually change what you bring into your home and put on and in your body. For tips on how to do this, check out my “Green Series” located just to the left of my blog's main page. I talk about conventional vs. organic foods; eliminating toxins in your home; what to avoid when buying personal products; how to “green” your baby’s world; and more. My approach is to simply educate you so you make the best decision for YOU!
Money-Saving Tip: Contact companies whose products you like or would like to try and ask them to send you coupons, promotional items, and/or samples. I do this from time to time and the last time I did, I had over $40 in coupons sent to me and it took me all but 20 minutes to send a quick e-mail with my request. Often companies will send you coupons for free products and not just coupons for money off a product.
THEN I CHANGED HOW I ATE
I began an anti-inflammation diet in May 2009. After being sick for five months and thinking that perhaps I had cancer because of how my body would react to food each time I ate, I had to do something drastic. For a while, I survived on broccoli slaw for every meal and needless to say, I lost weight because I was only eating that and in the process I became depressed.
After seeing a conventional doctor who simply thought I needed to take Metamucil to feel better (um, going to the bathroom was not my problem) and a natural health professional who told me I just needed to get the yeast levels in my body down (there was some truth to that and I have since eliminated yeast from my diet), I went to an integrative medicine doctor and she nailed what had been plaguing me for so long. She diagnosed me with an inflamed digestive track and immediately put me on an anti-inflammation diet. The diet eliminates the following from your food intake:
• Wheat and gluten
• Cow dairy (goat and sheep dairy are fine)
• Processed sugar
• Caffeine
• Citrus (lemon and lime are fine)
• Peanuts
I have always considered myself a healthy eater: I never eat red meat (raised that way); I don’t eat fatty or fried foods as part of my normal diet; and I don’t stock sugary cereals or empty-calorie snacks in our home. I have always been an oatmeal for breakfast/almonds for a snack/sweet potato for lunch/salad for dinner kind of girl. But the foods I outlined above were always showing up in my diet and they were the culprit wreaking havoc on my body.
My doctor explained that these foods are all known to cause inflammation to human organs (which is a main cause of so many diseases we get, such as certain cancers) and in my case, the inflammation was making food digestion painful and had reduced my serotonin levels to almost nil (a great deal of our serotonin levels come from our gut), so it’s no wonder why I was so depressed.
Within days of eating the anti-inflammation diet I felt better. I could think. I could relax. I had energy. And I had hope. I was on the path to healing my body the most natural way possible: through my diet.
Along with the diet, my doctor put me on several supplements that all work together to ensure that my body is working at its optimum level. She ran a blood panel on me and we learned that my vitamin D levels were only at 14 and they should be between 60-70. Vitamin D is key to our body’s mental and physical health; it’s proven to help combat depression (something I have struggled with since college) and fight off cancerous cells. I am on pro-biotics to keep good bacteria in my gut; ubiquinol and krill oil (a fancy strain of fish oil) for heart health; and magnesium for overall mind and body health. These all work in tandem to heal me from the inside out.
It’s easy to begin this diet and feel upset and focus on what you cannot eat. I did not feel this way initially, because eating this way allowed me to eat again and not be afraid of how I would feel later. It was a few months down the road that I began to grieve what I felt like I was missing out on (I missed bread and cheese so much) but the benefits always outweighed the feelings of depravation and I forged ahead and after nearly nine months, I am still following an anti-inflammation diet. Besides, the longer I have done this, the more alternatives I have discovered to some of my most missed foods and guess what……they are darn good and sometimes better than what I used to eat!
My husband eats the same way as I do and for us it is no longer a temporary way of eating until I am healed, it’s just how we eat. It makes sense to eat this way. After all, the food that is best for us is the food that GOD made and we should be eating more of that and less of the food that man makes!
THREE THINGS I HOPE YOU DO
1. Become your body’s health advocate. No one knows your body better than you and no one will fight for what is best for you and your body more than you.
2. If you are seeing a doctor who doesn’t seem to respond to what you are telling them; dismisses you; or just gives you the run around, FIRE THEM! Find someone who will partner with you in your journey to health.
3. Listen to your body. Our bodies are wonderfully made and they don’t lie. If something is not right, get it checked out. I am especially talking to those of you who feel sick all the time after you eat…..it’s NOT normal to feel sick all the time and that is no way to live; take it from someone who once felt that way and is now on the other side of it.
Some Tips for Healthier Eating
• Water is key to the health of our bodies. I strongly suggest that you increase your water intake to be at least half of your body weight in ounces. For example, if you weigh 150 pounds, you should be drinking 75 ounces of water each day. Yes, you will be going to the bathroom often, but think of it this way: each time you go to the bathroom, your body is ridding itself of toxins. And the benefits of increased water intake are numerous, including healthy skin and hair. I drink over 100 ounces of water each day and it helps keep me full between meals.
• This is almost goes without saying, but just in case…….don’t buy foods with ingredients that have numbers in them or are longer than three syllables- that just means they were created in a lab somewhere. If an item has more than five ingredients that are not naturally found in nature, consider leaving it on the shelf….do you really need to eat it?
• And stay away from these: sodium nitrate/nitrite; BHA/BHT; propyl gallate; monosodium glutamate (MSG); hydrogenated vegetable oil; aspartane; acesulfame-K; food colors: B 1-2, R-3, G-3, Y-6; olestra, and potassium bromated.
• Consider juicing- it’s an excellent way to get the most benefits of the nutrients in the fruits and vegetables you eat.
• Make easy changes like switching from bread sandwiches to ones made with corn tortillas; buying rice pasta instead of wheat pasta; trying sunbutter or almond butter instead of peanut butter; choosing goat’s milk yogurt and goat’s milk mozzarella cheese; etc.
• Take a look at what you buy on a regular basis and try to make it at home. Granola, sauces, and soups are all great examples of things we can make at home and control/eliminate the sugar and other ingredients unnecessarily put in them.
• Rice cakes (with honey or sunbutter), nuts, and hummus with veggies or GF crackers all make good snack foods.
A Helpful Magazine: I have subscribed to a magazine called “Living Without” and have found it to be a great source of information and recipes that cater to those of us eliminating wheat/gluten from our diets.
So how did I get healthy?
FIRST, I GOT “GREEN”
Now, I am no tree-hugger. I own a pair of glossy orange boots and nail polish to match them and I wear bejeweled headbands almost daily, so don’t mistake me for someone I am not! At first, getting “green” for me meant recycling and bringing my own bags to the grocery store and Target. And then three years ago I began to look into other ways I could get “green.” What a can of worms I opened!
I got really “green” three years ago by eliminating toxins from my diet by buying only organic foods and using non-toxic methods and products to keep my home and body clean. I know the idea of doing these things can be daunting and it’s easy to be concerned about the cost of it. I completely empathize with you because I was in that same place three years ago and I know it can be overwhelming to sift through all of the information out there and decide what you should do for yourself and your family. It’s no secret that buying organic costs more than buying conventional food and you may be thinking “I can’t afford to do that.”
My advice to you is to start slow and gradually change what you bring into your home and put on and in your body. For tips on how to do this, check out my “Green Series” located just to the left of my blog's main page. I talk about conventional vs. organic foods; eliminating toxins in your home; what to avoid when buying personal products; how to “green” your baby’s world; and more. My approach is to simply educate you so you make the best decision for YOU!
Money-Saving Tip: Contact companies whose products you like or would like to try and ask them to send you coupons, promotional items, and/or samples. I do this from time to time and the last time I did, I had over $40 in coupons sent to me and it took me all but 20 minutes to send a quick e-mail with my request. Often companies will send you coupons for free products and not just coupons for money off a product.
THEN I CHANGED HOW I ATE
I began an anti-inflammation diet in May 2009. After being sick for five months and thinking that perhaps I had cancer because of how my body would react to food each time I ate, I had to do something drastic. For a while, I survived on broccoli slaw for every meal and needless to say, I lost weight because I was only eating that and in the process I became depressed.
After seeing a conventional doctor who simply thought I needed to take Metamucil to feel better (um, going to the bathroom was not my problem) and a natural health professional who told me I just needed to get the yeast levels in my body down (there was some truth to that and I have since eliminated yeast from my diet), I went to an integrative medicine doctor and she nailed what had been plaguing me for so long. She diagnosed me with an inflamed digestive track and immediately put me on an anti-inflammation diet. The diet eliminates the following from your food intake:
• Wheat and gluten
• Cow dairy (goat and sheep dairy are fine)
• Processed sugar
• Caffeine
• Citrus (lemon and lime are fine)
• Peanuts
I have always considered myself a healthy eater: I never eat red meat (raised that way); I don’t eat fatty or fried foods as part of my normal diet; and I don’t stock sugary cereals or empty-calorie snacks in our home. I have always been an oatmeal for breakfast/almonds for a snack/sweet potato for lunch/salad for dinner kind of girl. But the foods I outlined above were always showing up in my diet and they were the culprit wreaking havoc on my body.
My doctor explained that these foods are all known to cause inflammation to human organs (which is a main cause of so many diseases we get, such as certain cancers) and in my case, the inflammation was making food digestion painful and had reduced my serotonin levels to almost nil (a great deal of our serotonin levels come from our gut), so it’s no wonder why I was so depressed.
Within days of eating the anti-inflammation diet I felt better. I could think. I could relax. I had energy. And I had hope. I was on the path to healing my body the most natural way possible: through my diet.
Along with the diet, my doctor put me on several supplements that all work together to ensure that my body is working at its optimum level. She ran a blood panel on me and we learned that my vitamin D levels were only at 14 and they should be between 60-70. Vitamin D is key to our body’s mental and physical health; it’s proven to help combat depression (something I have struggled with since college) and fight off cancerous cells. I am on pro-biotics to keep good bacteria in my gut; ubiquinol and krill oil (a fancy strain of fish oil) for heart health; and magnesium for overall mind and body health. These all work in tandem to heal me from the inside out.
It’s easy to begin this diet and feel upset and focus on what you cannot eat. I did not feel this way initially, because eating this way allowed me to eat again and not be afraid of how I would feel later. It was a few months down the road that I began to grieve what I felt like I was missing out on (I missed bread and cheese so much) but the benefits always outweighed the feelings of depravation and I forged ahead and after nearly nine months, I am still following an anti-inflammation diet. Besides, the longer I have done this, the more alternatives I have discovered to some of my most missed foods and guess what……they are darn good and sometimes better than what I used to eat!
My husband eats the same way as I do and for us it is no longer a temporary way of eating until I am healed, it’s just how we eat. It makes sense to eat this way. After all, the food that is best for us is the food that GOD made and we should be eating more of that and less of the food that man makes!
THREE THINGS I HOPE YOU DO
1. Become your body’s health advocate. No one knows your body better than you and no one will fight for what is best for you and your body more than you.
2. If you are seeing a doctor who doesn’t seem to respond to what you are telling them; dismisses you; or just gives you the run around, FIRE THEM! Find someone who will partner with you in your journey to health.
3. Listen to your body. Our bodies are wonderfully made and they don’t lie. If something is not right, get it checked out. I am especially talking to those of you who feel sick all the time after you eat…..it’s NOT normal to feel sick all the time and that is no way to live; take it from someone who once felt that way and is now on the other side of it.
Some Tips for Healthier Eating
• Water is key to the health of our bodies. I strongly suggest that you increase your water intake to be at least half of your body weight in ounces. For example, if you weigh 150 pounds, you should be drinking 75 ounces of water each day. Yes, you will be going to the bathroom often, but think of it this way: each time you go to the bathroom, your body is ridding itself of toxins. And the benefits of increased water intake are numerous, including healthy skin and hair. I drink over 100 ounces of water each day and it helps keep me full between meals.
• This is almost goes without saying, but just in case…….don’t buy foods with ingredients that have numbers in them or are longer than three syllables- that just means they were created in a lab somewhere. If an item has more than five ingredients that are not naturally found in nature, consider leaving it on the shelf….do you really need to eat it?
• And stay away from these: sodium nitrate/nitrite; BHA/BHT; propyl gallate; monosodium glutamate (MSG); hydrogenated vegetable oil; aspartane; acesulfame-K; food colors: B 1-2, R-3, G-3, Y-6; olestra, and potassium bromated.
• Consider juicing- it’s an excellent way to get the most benefits of the nutrients in the fruits and vegetables you eat.
• Make easy changes like switching from bread sandwiches to ones made with corn tortillas; buying rice pasta instead of wheat pasta; trying sunbutter or almond butter instead of peanut butter; choosing goat’s milk yogurt and goat’s milk mozzarella cheese; etc.
• Take a look at what you buy on a regular basis and try to make it at home. Granola, sauces, and soups are all great examples of things we can make at home and control/eliminate the sugar and other ingredients unnecessarily put in them.
• Rice cakes (with honey or sunbutter), nuts, and hummus with veggies or GF crackers all make good snack foods.
A Helpful Magazine: I have subscribed to a magazine called “Living Without” and have found it to be a great source of information and recipes that cater to those of us eliminating wheat/gluten from our diets.
February 18, 2010
For Those Who Have Miscarried
Lately, there has been a lot of loss around me and after hearing yet another friend share her news about losing her baby, I penned these words for her and wanted to share them with anyone else out there who is enduring the pain that comes with losing a baby.
No one can prepare you for the grief you feel after you miscarry; it's a loss unlike any I've known and it's important for you to know that your loss is real and the sorrow you feel is normal.
I allowed myself to grieve my loss like anyone else would grieve if they lost a child whom they had held. I shared with Jason, our families, and our friends that I needed the space and time to grieve as I saw fit and that it was important to me that they acknowledge the loss of our first baby as that and not some medical hiccup. One of the things that I found most difficult was that no one could seem to understand how much hurt I was feeling and that drove me crazy. I wanted to shake people until they hurt as much as I did. And the only time I did not feel that way was when I was sharing my grief with others who I knew had gone through it, too.
I encourage you to share your loss with others as much as you feel comfortable. You will be amazed at the number of women who have miscarried and soon you will see that you are far from being alone in this. It's an awful club to join, but once you do, you find there are many members to journey with.
What's difficult about a miscarriage is that there are no social cues alerting people to grieve with you as there would be if you had delieverd your baby stillborn and had a funeral. With a miscarriage, people either don't know what you are going through or if they do, they may say "Oh, well you were only X weeks along.....you'll get pregnant again." They don't mean to be insensitive, but they don't understand just how real this loss is to those of us who have gone through it.
While the sting of losing our baby has dulled, it is still there and I suspect it always be until we get to meet our sweet baby in heaven. Don't be discouraged if you find that you are feeling okay one moment and then out of nowhere you become quite upset or angry over your loss. For me, a trigger is when someone announces they are pregnant; I feel happy for them but the reality of my loss is far greater in that moment and I often find myself an emotional wreck.
I read a book called "Grieving the Child I Never Knew" and found it to be helpful in processing my grief. The author suggests naming the baby you lost and I did that and while I do not discuss this with others, it is helpful for me to think about our baby with a name because it breathes life into the fact that he was once alive.
Try to understand and be aware that your husband will grieve this differently and you may come to a point where it seems like he has moved on and you are still aching over your loss. We went through this and I had to learn to not be upset with Jason because he seemed fine; he grieved differently than me and for a shorter period of time. I think it is harder for us as women because of the instant emotional and physical connection we feel with our babies and the trauma we endure when we physically lose them.
Your loss is real and you are not alone in your grief. I'll never understand why the LORD allowed our babies to be glory babies, but I trust HIM as the GIVER and TAKER of life and it does my heart good to know that my baby and your baby are in the arms of JESUS.
No one can prepare you for the grief you feel after you miscarry; it's a loss unlike any I've known and it's important for you to know that your loss is real and the sorrow you feel is normal.
I allowed myself to grieve my loss like anyone else would grieve if they lost a child whom they had held. I shared with Jason, our families, and our friends that I needed the space and time to grieve as I saw fit and that it was important to me that they acknowledge the loss of our first baby as that and not some medical hiccup. One of the things that I found most difficult was that no one could seem to understand how much hurt I was feeling and that drove me crazy. I wanted to shake people until they hurt as much as I did. And the only time I did not feel that way was when I was sharing my grief with others who I knew had gone through it, too.
I encourage you to share your loss with others as much as you feel comfortable. You will be amazed at the number of women who have miscarried and soon you will see that you are far from being alone in this. It's an awful club to join, but once you do, you find there are many members to journey with.
What's difficult about a miscarriage is that there are no social cues alerting people to grieve with you as there would be if you had delieverd your baby stillborn and had a funeral. With a miscarriage, people either don't know what you are going through or if they do, they may say "Oh, well you were only X weeks along.....you'll get pregnant again." They don't mean to be insensitive, but they don't understand just how real this loss is to those of us who have gone through it.
While the sting of losing our baby has dulled, it is still there and I suspect it always be until we get to meet our sweet baby in heaven. Don't be discouraged if you find that you are feeling okay one moment and then out of nowhere you become quite upset or angry over your loss. For me, a trigger is when someone announces they are pregnant; I feel happy for them but the reality of my loss is far greater in that moment and I often find myself an emotional wreck.
I read a book called "Grieving the Child I Never Knew" and found it to be helpful in processing my grief. The author suggests naming the baby you lost and I did that and while I do not discuss this with others, it is helpful for me to think about our baby with a name because it breathes life into the fact that he was once alive.
Try to understand and be aware that your husband will grieve this differently and you may come to a point where it seems like he has moved on and you are still aching over your loss. We went through this and I had to learn to not be upset with Jason because he seemed fine; he grieved differently than me and for a shorter period of time. I think it is harder for us as women because of the instant emotional and physical connection we feel with our babies and the trauma we endure when we physically lose them.
Your loss is real and you are not alone in your grief. I'll never understand why the LORD allowed our babies to be glory babies, but I trust HIM as the GIVER and TAKER of life and it does my heart good to know that my baby and your baby are in the arms of JESUS.
January 4, 2010
Welcome to the "Green" Series!
All "Green" Series posts are posted under January 4, 2010 and can be accessed on the upper right corner of my blog page.
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