Lately, there has been a lot of loss around me and after hearing yet another friend share her news about losing her baby, I penned these words for her and wanted to share them with anyone else out there who is enduring the pain that comes with losing a baby.
No one can prepare you for the grief you feel after you miscarry; it's a loss unlike any I've known and it's important for you to know that your loss is real and the sorrow you feel is normal.
I allowed myself to grieve my loss like anyone else would grieve if they lost a child whom they had held. I shared with Jason, our families, and our friends that I needed the space and time to grieve as I saw fit and that it was important to me that they acknowledge the loss of our first baby as that and not some medical hiccup. One of the things that I found most difficult was that no one could seem to understand how much hurt I was feeling and that drove me crazy. I wanted to shake people until they hurt as much as I did. And the only time I did not feel that way was when I was sharing my grief with others who I knew had gone through it, too.
I encourage you to share your loss with others as much as you feel comfortable. You will be amazed at the number of women who have miscarried and soon you will see that you are far from being alone in this. It's an awful club to join, but once you do, you find there are many members to journey with.
What's difficult about a miscarriage is that there are no social cues alerting people to grieve with you as there would be if you had delieverd your baby stillborn and had a funeral. With a miscarriage, people either don't know what you are going through or if they do, they may say "Oh, well you were only X weeks along.....you'll get pregnant again." They don't mean to be insensitive, but they don't understand just how real this loss is to those of us who have gone through it.
While the sting of losing our baby has dulled, it is still there and I suspect it always be until we get to meet our sweet baby in heaven. Don't be discouraged if you find that you are feeling okay one moment and then out of nowhere you become quite upset or angry over your loss. For me, a trigger is when someone announces they are pregnant; I feel happy for them but the reality of my loss is far greater in that moment and I often find myself an emotional wreck.
I read a book called "Grieving the Child I Never Knew" and found it to be helpful in processing my grief. The author suggests naming the baby you lost and I did that and while I do not discuss this with others, it is helpful for me to think about our baby with a name because it breathes life into the fact that he was once alive.
Try to understand and be aware that your husband will grieve this differently and you may come to a point where it seems like he has moved on and you are still aching over your loss. We went through this and I had to learn to not be upset with Jason because he seemed fine; he grieved differently than me and for a shorter period of time. I think it is harder for us as women because of the instant emotional and physical connection we feel with our babies and the trauma we endure when we physically lose them.
Your loss is real and you are not alone in your grief. I'll never understand why the LORD allowed our babies to be glory babies, but I trust HIM as the GIVER and TAKER of life and it does my heart good to know that my baby and your baby are in the arms of JESUS.