I Don't Pray For Babies Anymore

I don’t pray for a baby anymore.  I just don’t.  

Maybe it’s a lie I am believing or it’s a lack of faith that I could ever have a baby, but either way, I don’t pray for babies anymore.

Instead, I pray for more of CHRIST in my life.  

I am not saying this to sound uber spiritual or make it seem that I am somewhere in my faith journey that I am not, because the reality is that I still struggle with the storyline GOD has written for me.

I don’t like being the infertile woman.  I look in the mirror and I can’t believe I am the face of infertility. that I have a body that loses babies. and that my arms may never hold a child of my own.

But I keep inserting GOD’s truths and promises into those things and what I keep coming back to is praying for more of HIM and less of me. and less striving. and less coveting. and less of this world.

And I don’t have a lot of hope for a baby anymore.  I used to, but that ship has sailed.  But I know my husband has hope and I love him for that.  His hope is the current that keeps me moving along- doing the tests, doing the procedures, taking this and that, and allowing us to talk about “some day when we have a baby.....”

And sometimes I feel like this is all my fault.  That I must have done something to my body in the past or in the present that has made us lose all of our babies.

After every miscarriage (except for the first one), I go about punishing my body in the only ways I can think of: I don’t exercise, I eat foods that I know will make me sick, and I stop taking all of my supplements and vitamins.

It’s my way of saying “F-you” to my body and for a little while I like the feeling of control I have over it even if it does only hurt me in the end.

Maybe it’s mother’s guilt- this feeling that is must be my fault- but I think it’s satan’s lies.

Something rather divine happened last week after our weekly staff meeting.  Two men from another church in New York were spending time with us and over the course of a few days, my husband and I had gotten to spend time with them either together or apart and at some point, my husband shared with one of them a brief history of our losses.

When I went to thank the man who knew some of my story for his time and words before he left for the airport, he said he had a word for me: that JESUS was pleased with how I was allowing my story to be used for HIS kingdom and that what has happened is not my fault.

How could he have known that I sometimes carry the weight of what has happened on my shoulders and feel marked and shamed?  Only GOD HIMSELF could have compelled him to say those words to me.

And I am grateful to him for saying them in the middle of a coffee shop with people all around because for a few seconds it felt like GOD HIMSELF was saying those words to me and it moved me to tears.

My heart is weary these days and it is not because of any one thing- it's just the natural ebb and flow of this journey we are on.  But I am going to do what I know to do- lean on my FATHER, press into HIM, and ask for more of HIM.

GOD Truth #7: HE Is Our Greatest Treasure

This is part seven of a seven series post that was born out of some very intentional time I took to walk the road of grief and longing, and sit in the place of despair and doubt. And I asked JESUS to meet me in my very broken place and to show me HIS goodness.

And HE did. Over and over HE did. And the more I looked for ways that HE is good, the more I found.

I call the things I learned about GOD in that season my GOD Truths. These are the very true things that GOD does and is to all of HIS children.

I know that my journey is meant to open the eyes, ears, and hearts of others to who GOD is. To draw them closer to their MAKER. To tell of HIS love for HIS people and HIS goodness throughout all the ages.

I have wanted to be a mommy for as long as I can remember.  Every day I long for some part of motherhood to come true for me.  Every day.  

I see a pregnant belly and I wish it was mine.  I see a woman nursing and I want to do that.  I see a family at the park and I want that for Jason and I.  

I think about the joy a baby would bring into our lives and very quickly that baby is on a pedestal assuming a higher position in my life than CHRIST does.  

A baby is not my greatest treasure.  JESUS is.  

I may never have a baby, but I will always, always have JESUS.

And because HE is my greatest treasure everything that I must endure in this life- losing babies included- is worth it because it draws me closer to HIM.

Romans 8:28  “And we know that for those who love GOD all things work together for good, for those who are called according to HIS purpose.” 

GOD’s purpose for your life- no matter what place you are in now- is a good purpose. 

I don’t know what the rest of my story will be.  I may not ever become a mother to children who are born from my own womb- this is very likely- and I grieve this deeply.  Every year that we go without having a child of our own in our arms, we see friends and family have babies of their own.    

And when I ask “Why them and not us?” HE reminds me that it’s all for HIS purposes and that I am where I am because it is where HE wants me to be and it is all for my good.  

And HE points me back to HIMSELF- back to the majesty of HIM; the sufficiency of HIM; the sheer awesomeness of HIM; and the treasure that is HIM.

Oh gosh, I am not trying to blow sunshine in your face, to make you think if you just accept these truths into your own life that suddenly your pain and your waiting for the things you hope for and desire will get easier.  

No, I don’t want to do that.  

I don’t want to cheapen your hurts and your longings and reduce them to “problems” that can be solved if you just insert one of these truths into it.

What I want to do is to point you back to the ONE who is the AUTHOR of it all and to remind you that HE is good.  

HE is good in your pain and hurt; HE is good in your grief and sorrow; HE is good in your longing and waiting; HE is good in your sickness; HE is good in it all.

And nothing can separate you from the love of your FATHER.  Every day HE is pursuing you and every day HE wants to manifest in you HIS goodness.

HE is your greatest treasure because you are made alive with CHRIST.  HE is your greatest treasure because by grace you have been saved.  

And until JESUS returns or you take your last breath, HIS banner over you is love and HIS plans for your life are good.

HE gives, HE takes away; HE is unchanging; HE is sovereign over all things; He gives beauty for ashes; He promises HIMSELF; HE has not forgotten you and HE is not through with you; and HE is your greatest treasure.

Believe in the goodness of GOD and pray that HE would give you the conviction to believe that HE is good.

Believe that everything HE does in your life is good.

Humble yourselves and repent of all the times you have found fault with HIM in the way HE has treated you.

Be satisfied with the will of GOD for it is holy and perfect.  Do not resist it.  Do not resent it.

Taste and see that HE is good.  

Because GOD, and HIS great love for you, is good.

Oh LORD, that you would find us faithful in our journeys; that we would not for one minute doubt YOUR goodness or YOUR sovereignty; that we would seek YOU and find YOU; that more than being married, or having a baby, health, or anything else, we would want YOU; that we would dwell with YOU in our valleys and still dance even when our hearts are breaking, our souls are longing, our arms are empty; and our bodies hurting; that we would be thankful for the work YOU have done, will do, and are promising to do until our last breath; and that we would not wish our journeys away, but rather, be willing servants of our KING to proclaim that YOU alone satisfy and are worthy and that YOU, o LORD, alone are good.  Amen.

GOD Truth #6: HE Has Not Forgotten You and HE Is Not Through With You Yet

This is part six of a seven series post that was born out of some very intentional time I took to walk the road of grief and longing, and sit in the place of despair and doubt. And I asked JESUS to meet me in my very broken place and to show me HIS goodness.

And HE did. Over and over HE did. And the more I looked for ways that HE is good, the more I found.

I call the things I learned about GOD in that season my GOD Truths. These are the very true things that GOD does and is to all of HIS children.

I know that my journey is meant to open the eyes, ears, and hearts of others to who GOD is. To draw them closer to their MAKER. To tell of HIS love for HIS people and HIS goodness throughout all the ages.

I walk the streets of my city and I see the strollers and the pregnant bellies and I can easily go to that place of “GOD has forgotten that I want a baby.”  Maybe for you it’s the same or it’s that HE has forgotten that you want a boyfriend/girlfriend or a husband/wife; or that you want that great job; or that you are struggling with a sickness and need healing for your body.  

Whatever it is, I know we all can be swayed to think that HE has forgotten us or that we are sitting on the sidelines while everyone else gets to play the game of life the way we want to.

Oh friends, let me tell you again and again that HE has not forgotten you.  

HE sees you.  HE knows you.  HE knows your every heart’s desire and HE is always, always, always working for your good.  

GOD is not your enemy.  HE is not the obstacle in the road that keeps you from getting what you want.  

HE is not withholding any good thing from you.  

No matter what pain or situation you are in, GOD has a purpose for it.  

Yes, you could have made poor choices that have found you where you are, but GOD has a purpose for it....for all of it.  

John 9:3 says “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of GOD might be displayed in him.”

GOD is all-knowing, all-powerful, all-wise, and HE is all for you. 

There is a story being told- it’s your story- and GOD wants to use it to bring glory to HIS name and draw others closer to HIMSELF, including you.  Every day, every hour, HE is working out HIS good purposes for you.

HE has not forgotten you and HE is not through with you yet.

GOD Truth #5: HE Promises HIMSELF....And HE Is Enough

This is part five of a seven series post that was born out of some very intentional time I took to walk the road of grief and longing, and sit in the place of despair and doubt. And I asked JESUS to meet me in my very broken place and to show me HIS goodness.

And HE did. Over and over HE did. And the more I looked for ways that HE is good, the more I found.

I call the things I learned about GOD in that season my GOD Truths. These are the very true things that GOD does and is to all of HIS children.

I know that my journey is meant to open the eyes, ears, and hearts of others to who GOD is. To draw them closer to their MAKER. To tell of HIS love for HIS people and HIS goodness throughout all the ages.

You and I are not promised designer brands to wear; new cars to drive; and Starbucks every day.  I know that’s likely no surprise to you.  And you and I are not promised high-paying jobs; health; marriage; or even babies.   

But we are promised JESUS today and all the days of our lives.  And HE is enough, that is, if we truly believe in the word and promises of GOD, HE is enough.

To say that I am not promised anything but HIM is so bittersweet to me.  

It’s bitter because it means I may not get what I want.  But it’s so very sweet because I am promised for all the days of my life the one true GOD; the mighty FORTRESS to run to when I am scared; the wise COUNSELOR to seek guidance from; the GIVER of life when death surrounds me; and the good SHEPHERD to walk with in valleys and on mountain tops.

In Hebrews 13:5, HE tells us “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” 

HE promises us HIMSELF for always and forever.  And HE is enough.

GOD Truth #4: HE Makes Beauty From Ashes

This is part four of a seven series post that was born out of some very intentional time I took to walk the road of grief and longing, and sit in the place of despair and doubt. And I asked JESUS to meet me in my very broken place and to show me HIS goodness.

And HE did. Over and over HE did. And the more I looked for ways that HE is good, the more I found.

I call the things I learned about GOD in that season my GOD Truths. These are the very true things that GOD does and is to all of HIS children.

I know that my journey is meant to open the eyes, ears, and hearts of others to who GOD is. To draw them closer to their MAKER. To tell of HIS love for HIS people and HIS goodness throughout all the ages.



One day not too long after losing my second baby, I was sitting at Starbucks having a conversation with GOD (in my head!) when HE promised me something.

HE told me that if I gave over all of my journey to HIM- all of my grief, longing, anger, disappointment- that HE would do something beautiful with it.  I asked HIM how anything beautiful could come from the deaths of two babies and HE told me that the same way HE made the death of HIS own SON something beautiful for all mankind, HE would do something beautiful with my story.

I could not see how this could be, but in that moment I trusted HIM- I took HIM at HIS word and I have made the choice to surrender it all to HIM, even when I do not feel like it.

And HE has done beautiful things over these last three years:

• I started using my blog as an avenue to share openly this journey that Jason and I are on- it has become cheap therapy for me and as it turns out, it is a source of comfort and an encouragement to other people, some whom I know and some whom I do not.  People from all over the country have stumbled upon my blog and have shared that my story has drawn them closer to GOD and given them a deeper understanding of who HE is- believers and unbelievers alike.

• This past spring I was asked to write an article on faith and infertility for a national newsletter that is not faith-based.  I still have yet to write the article, but when I do, thousands of people will get to hear that GOD is good even in infertility......especially in infertility.

• My dear friend Katherine had her second baby earlier this summer and she and her husband named her baby after me- not because she had a special love for my name, but because she and her husband wanted to honor the lives of mine and Jason’s babies and pay tribute to the glory our story is bringing to GOD’s name.  What I love most about this beautiful gift is that it is not corruptible; it will not wilt; it cannot rust or rotten.  That even after Anastasia Justine has taken her last breath on this earth her name will live on and it will carry a story- our story- and make mention of our babies.

I could go on, but the point of this is not to sound my own horn or make you think that I am something pretty special, but rather to show you how GOD does make beauty from ashes.  

It takes surrendering all of it on my part and getting my agenda out of the way so that HE can freely move in and through my journey and put HIMSELF on display.

Charles Spurgeon wrote, "They who dive in the sea of affliction bring up rare pearls."  

I love the imagery of those words: I picture a deep, deep black sea- this symbolizes hurt, sorrow, loss, grief, pain, you name it.   And then a person dives into it- they don’t just wade in the water, but they knowingly placing themselves in the middle of it.  And when they dive in they do not come up to the surface right away- to get air, to at least escape the sea with their head- but rather they go to the depths of that sea.  They go to the dark places on the bottom floor of that sea.  They explore and find beautiful, rare pearls.  

How something so beautiful can grow in such a dark place is a mystery, but it’s a mystery that has an AUTHOR.  HE alone knows how it can be so; how a dark sea can yield the most beautiful of treasures.

HE gives beauty for ashes.  HE turns mourning into dancing.  HIS economy is different than ours.  HIS ways are not our ways.  HE gives good things even in the midst of our pain and suffering and longing and sickness and heartbreak.

GOD Truth #3: HE Is Sovereign Over All Things

This is part three of a seven series post that was born out of some very intentional time I took to walk the road of grief and longing, and sit in the place of despair and doubt. And I asked JESUS to meet me in my very broken place and to show me HIS goodness.

And HE did. Over and over HE did. And the more I looked for ways that HE is good, the more I found.

I call the things I learned about GOD in that season my GOD Truths. These are the very true things that GOD does and is to all of HIS children.

I know that my journey is meant to open the eyes, ears, and hearts of others to who GOD is. To draw them closer to their MAKER. To tell of HIS love for HIS people and HIS goodness throughout all the ages.

In the midst of the physical process of losing our third baby, I went to see our counselor, Roger.  And at some point in the hour we were together the thought came to me that perhaps I had exited out of the realm of GOD’s protection and therefore, HIS sovereignty over my body and my baby.  

But Roger assured me over and over that GOD was indeed very much in control of what was happening and that though sad and grievous, losing a third baby was a part of HIS plan for my life.

Relief washed over me and I was glad for the gentle reminder that pointed me back to the truth that GOD is sovereign over all things, including my suffering.

JESUS spoke of the will of GOD in the Garden of Gethsemane when HE was praying. HE said, in Matthew 26:39, “MY FATHER, if it be possible, let this cup pass from ME; nevertheless, not as I will, but as YOU will.” 

The will of GOD is HIS sovereign governance of all that happens in our lives.  It cannot be broken.  It will always. always comes to pass. 

Daniel 4:35 says, “HE does according to HIS will among the host of heaven and among the inhabitants of the earth; and none can stay HIS hand or say to HIM, ‘What have YOU done?’ ” 

GOD governs all things for HIS plans and purposes.  Nothing is out of HIS realm of power or protection.  Whatever befalls you- sickness, infertility, unemployment, and a broken heart included- it’s all under HIS authority and power.

You were created for HIS glory and HE is faithful to fulfill that glory if you love HIM and live for HIM.  Your suffering is not a surprise, but a plan.  Trust that HE is working for your good in all things at all times.

George Mueller was an evangelist who lived in the 19th century and he lost his beloved wife Mary after 39 years of marriage.  By only the strength of GOD, he was able to speak at his wife’s memorial and said this:

“I miss her in numberless ways, and shall miss her yet more and more. But as a child of GOD, and as a servant of the LORD JESUS, I bow, I am satisfied with the will of my Heavenly FATHER, I seek by perfect submission to HIS holy will to glorify HIM, I kiss continually the hand that has thus afflicted me.”

Oh, that we would rest in the sovereignty of GOD just as our brother George Mueller had done.

GOD Truth #2: HE Is Unchanging

This is part two of a seven series post that was born out of some very intentional time I took to walk the road of grief and longing, and sit in the place of despair and doubt. And I asked JESUS to meet me in my very broken place and to show me HIS goodness.

And HE did. Over and over HE did. And the more I looked for ways that HE is good, the more I found.

I call the things I learned about GOD in that season my GOD Truths. These are the very true things that GOD does and is to all of HIS children.

I know that my journey is meant to open the eyes, ears, and hearts of others to who GOD is. To draw them closer to their MAKER. To tell of HIS love for HIS people and HIS goodness throughout all the ages.

We can fall into the trap of thinking that GOD must not like us; or that HE is not looking out for us or that HE has forgotten us when things happen in our lives that we do not like or anticipate.  

But the reality is that HE is unchanging and who HE is and HIS promises to us do not change even when our circumstances do.

You do not get the job you wanted.  You are still waiting for that special someone to come along.  Your body is not responding to treatments.  You lose someone you love.  For me, it’s not having a baby in my arms.

After we lost our fifth baby, I took a year to allow my body and my heart to heal- I was depleted in all the ways you can imagine.  And then this past spring when I found out I was pregnant for a sixth time, I felt certain that GOD had used the past year to prepare us for the gift HE was going to give us come this November- a baby to hold in our arms.

On April 19, I was pregnant with our sixth baby and did not know the fate of my baby, but I knew that:

GOD loves me and my husband; 

that HE is working all things together for our good 

because HE is good.

On April 20, we heard the words “There is no heartbeat.”  I left that appointment with more questions than answers, but I also left knowing that:

GOD loves me and my husband; 

that HE is working all things together for our good 

because HE is good.

I can see now that HE used the past year to prepare my heart for the loss of our sixth baby.  HE showed HIS goodness to me in that way.

My circumstances had changed. But HE did not.  

HE is who HE says HE is and HE does what HE says HE will. 

HE is the same in my happiness as HE is in my sorrow.  HE is the same in your contentment as HE is in your restlessness.  HE is the same in your health as HE is in your sickness.  HE is the same in our satisfaction as HE is in our longing.

GOD does not change nor do HIS promises to us as HIS children. 

I like how John Piper puts it, “Nothing in all creation takes HIM off guard and backs HIM into a corner where HE might have to act out of character or compromise HIS integrity.” 

And James 1:17 says, "With HIM there is no variation or shadow due to change.”  

The circumstances of our lives are ever-changing, but HE is the same yesterday, today, and forever.  

When nothing in your life stays the same, HE does.

GOD Truth #1: HE Gives, HE Takes Away

This is part one of a seven series post that was born out of some very intentional time I took to walk the road of grief and longing, and sit in the place of despair and doubt. And I asked JESUS to meet me in my very broken place and to show me HIS goodness.

And HE did. Over and over HE did. And the more I looked for ways that HE is good, the more I found.
I call the things I learned about GOD in that season my GOD Truths. These are the very true things that GOD does and is to all of HIS children.

I know that my journey is meant to open the eyes, ears, and hearts of others to who GOD is. To draw them closer to their MAKER. To tell of HIS love for HIS people and HIS goodness throughout all the ages.



I have always had a special place in my heart for Job. Long before I even knew what it was to truly suffer, I had an appreciation for the story of Job. I suppose it is my melancholy side that finds me drawn to the darker side of life.

Job was a faithful servant of GOD, going so far as to make burnt offerings for his children every morning after the night of their feasts just in case they may have sinned or cursed GOD in their hearts.

Job lost his children and his wealth in one swoop and then just as he was grieving his losses, he was stricken with a horrible disease; his wife urged him to curse GOD and die; and his friends suggested that he must have sinned against GOD something awful to have such things happen to him.

And what strikes me the most about Job is his response to his suffering: “The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.”

This man just lost everything- his money, all his children, the respect and adoration of his wife, and he just found out his friends have really bad theology- and he wants to worship the LORD!

Don’t misunderstand, he still grieved something fierce but his worshipping GOD is so notable because he did it in his grief, not instead of it.

GOD has given my husband and I babies to rejoice over. We have felt the excitement of life growing in my womb and we thanked HIM for the gift of life HE created through us each time.

And GOD has taken away our babies. Each time after I have lost a baby one of the first things I long to do is be in corporate worship singing songs that speak to the power, love, and goodness of my LORD.

You see, the world tells me that I should be mad at GOD, that I should shake my fist, curse HIM, and walk away from HIM. Job did not curse GOD when he lost everything; instead, he worshipped HIM. And because of that, the worth of GOD was made known to all.

When we suffer- when we are grieved or longing for what was or what may never be- we must resist satan and hold tight to the goodness of GOD. Do not curse HIM in your sickness. Do not curse him in your grieving. Do not curse HIM in your longing or waiting.

Worship HIM and bless HIS name.

The LORD gave to me and then HE took away from me, and I still say “Blessed be the name of the LORD.”