August 8, 2015

The Way We Mend

I can recall two times in the last year that I very clearly heard God’s voice.  Both times I was in crowded places, panning the room.  Both times I saw a mother with an infant.  And both times, God said “I’m not done yet.”

I tucked those moments away in my heart.  I knew that Jason wanted to try again for another baby and it seemed the logical time to start trying again, but I didn’t feel ready to start this journey again. 

Several months ago I began feeling anxiety and fear at the thought of being pregnant again.  I felt certain I had some level of PTSD because I’d break out in a sweat and have heart palpitations just thinking about it.  And if I heard about someone having a miscarriage, I’d experience their loss as if it was my own.

I felt gripped by fear and too afraid to move forward.  Staying put was what felt safe.

I spoke to Jason and several friends about this and finally decided to see my counselor.  In the back drop of the time that passed were the words God said to me, which propelled me forward, willing to enter the dark places of my heart and mind again in pursuit of overcoming this crippling fear.

As I kept considering what God said to me- “I’m not done yet”- I didn’t believe He was promising us another baby.  I believe He was foretelling the work He still wanted to do in me, knowing that if I was going to get to that place of trying again, it was going to be an act of obedience and a step of faith on my part in response to the heart work He wanted to do in me.  

I believe He wanted to do some mending.

Sometime in May I felt ready as I ever would be to try for another baby and in June we found out I was pregnant.  God acted fast!

Shortly after finding out our news, we went in for an early ultrasound to see if things were progressing and much to our delight we saw a heartbeat.  We went back two weeks later for another ultrasound and while we did still see a heartbeat, it appeared our baby only grew a week in those two weeks.

Our hearts sank a little and the midwife told us to be cautiously optimistic and to come back in a week to see if anything changed....for the better or for worse.

I did what anyone would do- I researched reasons why slow growth like that could happen and there were plenty of benign reasons, but there were also fatal ones.

I often thought about what would happen and would play out each scenario in my mind in lame attempts to prepare my heart for what would seem likely to happen based on my history.

More than anything, I prayed.  I did not plea or beg for this baby’s life.  I did not make bargains with God.  I just told Him over and over that I trusted the outcome of this baby’s life to Him; that I knew that He knew best; and that I believed He was unceasingly working for our good.

We went back for another ultrasound this week and got great news!  Our little baby was measuring right on time and the heartbeat was strong.

In the dark of the room with just a glow of the screen that displayed a bouncy baby, I cried.  I cried because I was happy, of course, but mostly I cried because I saw the gift that came out of my act of obedience and step of faith.  This is the God I serve- He is faithful to do the work if I am willing to trust Him.

So we are expecting another baby in March and our hearts are full!  

And I think this is the way we continue to mend.

It’s the way we mend 
We tear it all down and we’ll start it again 
And I don’t know how but you find me where we begin 
And that’s just the way, the way that we mend

"The Way We Mend" by Bebo Norman


Leash said...

Friend, I am excited for you, Jason, & Remy. I will pray for you all as you prepare for this addition.

Adrienne said...

Yay! Celebrating this beauty with you, the mending and growing and healing! xoxox