Some have said that I am strong or brave when they reflect on what has been my journey in the last nearly three years. I assure you I am not either- if there is anything strong or brave in me, it’s from the LORD.
Because the reality is that I am scared of what the future holds. Lately I have been asking Jason if we will be okay if we never have children. That question comes from a place of being scared.
And while I am, for the most part, in a place of peace with the state of things, there are days like today where I buckle and I cry- over the loss of my babies and the dream I have of becoming a mother slipping away.
The reality that I carry with me every day is that I may never get to have a child of my own. That brings me to my knees. It’s a hurt and sorrow that I am intimately involved with and it’s one that I would gladly break up with if given the choice.
Nothing about my life and how it looks now is at all what I planned or dreamt of. Some of that is good: being married to Jason; living in the city I was born and raised in; working in ministry- these are good things that I had not planned for.
But some of it is sad and hard and uncomfortable and unwanted.
The truth of the matter is that I don’t want to be here in this place of life. I don’t want to be the person who can’t have a baby and gets to watch others around her do what her body won’t let her do. I hate it.
I have struggled greatly with jealousy and anger towards women who are pregnant and I have had to watch family and friends go on to experience the very one thing that continues to elude me. Four times now I have had a friend who is pregnant have a due date within days of my own and have had a front row seat to watching their bellies grow and their lives be changed by this amazing and mysterious gift that is a baby. How do you be happy for them when you are so sad for yourself?
I don’t know. After all this time and “practice,” I still do not know.
Walking this journey has put us in a place of having really insensitive things said to us and around us; of having to push through feelings of hurt because some family and friends choose not to enter into this journey with us. Even after all this time and all these losses, there are still some that have said nothing to us.
So what’s the point of what probably sounds like complaining and bemoaning?
The point is this: I am not satisfied with where I am and what has been my portion in life. I’m just not. I don’t want to be here.
If I take what life has given me in the last nearly three years at face value, then I would say it is a huge disappointment and is the most unfair thing I have ever experienced.
I am guilty of looking to things, and food, and appearances, and work, and people for satisfaction. I am guilty of it all.
Nothing this world has given to me has satisfied me. Nothing. It’s all crap. It all has torn, rusted, perished, spoiled, ended and left. All of it.
It was about two months ago that I began hearing the LORD say to me, “When nothing satisfies you, come to ME.”
When the pursuit of things loses it’s appeal and you are on to the next sale, come to ME.
When the taste of food leaves your tongue and you want more, come to ME.
When you look in the mirror and don’t like what you see, come to ME.
When an endeavor comes to an end and the excitement fades, come to ME.
When a person disappoints and you feel hurt or angry, come to ME.
Come to ME.
Surender your agenda, Justine.
Step away from what the world says is good and look to ME.
Stop striving, Justine.
Know that I work for the good of you.
Repent of your jealousy and your anger and your resentment.
Come to ME, Justine. And ME alone.
Rest in ME.
When nothing satisfies you, believe I am good and I love you. And I will satisfy you.
Oh LORD, that you would find me faithful in this journey; that I would not for one minute doubt YOUR goodness or YOUR sovereignty; that I would seek YOU and find YOU; that more than having a baby I would want YOU; that I would dwell with YOU in this valley and still dance even when my heart is breaking; that I would be thankful for the work YOU have done, will do, and are promising to do until my last breath; and that I would not wish this journey away but rather be a willing servant of her KING to proclaim that YOU alone are good and worthy and that YOU, o LORD, alone satisfy.
“Therefore, as you received CHRIST JESUS the LORD, so walk in HIM, rooted and built up in HIM and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving.” Colossians 2:6