A Title Didn't Seem Important

Two babies were born into our family last week. Their arrivals were sandwiched in between a due date that came and went. That would be my first due date.

I hesitantly looked at the pictures that were e-mailed and it pained me to see a happy momma with her snuggly baby boy. It only made me realize more just what I lost on November 11, 2009. I lost not only the chance to carry my baby, but the chance to meet him and take lots of pictures of he and I. Together.

Some of had said to me. “Well it’s a good thing you didn’t already have children because then you would know exactly what you lost.”

Aside from the fact that this is an ignorant thing to say to any woman who has lost a baby, this is an all-together completely untrue thing to say.

Believe me, I do not need to have a child at home to know that I have lost two amazing gifts; two beautiful chances; two sweet what could-have-beens.

The agony I continue to feel on a daily basis tells me this.

Not Just An Ordinary Day for Me

Today would have been my due date for Jack.  There's nothing more to say because nothing I write or say can accurately reflect what is stirring in my heart. 

No Peace in Death

It’s been a hard couple of days around here.

This week marks what would have been the half-way point had I still been carrying Claire. We would have had our appointment to find out the gender of our baby, but alas, no appointment is needed.

And in just two short weeks we would have been eagerly awaiting the arrival of our first baby, Jack. July was to be a month full of birthdays: mine and Jack’s.

It’s so good for me to say their names. To write them. To see them.

But I feel as if I must fight for my right to grieve. It feels sometimes that I am being pushed to “move on” and “get over” the death of our babies.

Some want to know how I am doing and act surprised when I share that I am sad.

Some say that they hope that I have found some peace in the loss of my babies.

Let me tell you about peace in death…….there is none.

Death is not something that we are supposed to be at peace with. Death was not supposed to be, remember?

Katherine sent me this book and the writer had this to say about death and peace:

“Shalom is the fullness of life in all dimensions. Shalom is dwelling in justice and delight with God, with neighbor, with oneself, in nature. Death is shalom’s moral enemy. Death is demonic. We cannot live at peace with death. When the writer of Revelation spoke of the coming of the day of shalom, he did not say that on that day we would live at peace with death. He said that on that day ‘There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.’ “

I have shared with some that I feel different inside and I can’t quite put my finger on what the difference is or even how to express it. But then in the same book, I came across this passage and it hit the nail on the head of how I feel inside that may not be apparent outside:

“I remember delighting in them- trees, art, house, music, pink morning sky, work well done, flowers, books. I still delight in them. I’m still grateful. But the zest is gone. The passion is cooled, the striving quieted, the longing stilled. My attachment is loosened. No longer do I set my heart on them. I can do without them. They do not matter. Instead of rowing, I float. The joy that comes my way I savor. But the seeking, the clutching, the aiming is gone. I don’t suppose anyone on the outside notices. I go through my paces. What the world gives, I still accept. But what it promises, I no longer reach for. I’ve become an alien in the world, shyly touching it as if it’s not mine. I don’t belong anymore.”

I am changed.

And I will never come to peace with the death of my babies; or stop grieving them; or thinking about them and what could have been; or stop longing for them.

Peach Cobbler (GF/WF/Dairy Free/White Sugar Free)

Post Edit: I decided that I am not all that happy with how this turned out- it is definitely best when served right out of the oven, but even then it left me wishing I had made something else.  So try it at your own risk!

I just pulled out of the oven a peach cobbler for my deacon meeting tonight (isn't that perfect, peach cobbler for a church function!?) and I tasted it........and it's pretty yummy!

Want the recipe?  It's yours for only $9.99......eh, but since you are here, I'll give it to you for free.

Peach Cobbler
In a greased 9 x 13" pan, place:

• 10 ripe peaches, cut into 1/4" slices (you could take the time to peel your peaches if you'd like- just blanche them in boiling water for 30 seconds and the skin will begin to peel off.  For what it's worth, I like to leave the skin on.)

In a bowl, mix together:

• 2 cups GF baking mix or flour (I used brown rice flour this time)
• 1 1/2 cup agave nectar
• 1/4 cup melted Earth Balance spread
• 1/4 cup melted coconut oil
• 2 eggs
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 2 teaspoons baking powder

Pour the mixture over the sliced peaches, being sure to cover the surface of the peaches as much as you can.

Bake at 350 degrees for approximately 30 minutes, or until the top of the crust is golden brown.

Enjoy!

P.S. You could easily turn this into a GF/WF/dairy free/white sugar free peach crisp- follow the directions from this recipe on what to do with the peaches and then go here for directions on how to make the crisp topping.

Homemade Spanish Rice......Muy Buena!

We had friends over for MYOB (make your own burrito) night and I wanted to make spanish rice from scratch.  Everyone loved the rice and I thought I would share how to make it here.

I can't call this a recipe....it's more like a few easy steps:

• Sautee 4 garlic gloves (fresh or frozen) in 2 tablespoons of olive oil until garlic is soft
• Pour in two cups of UNCOOKED, DRY rice (I use brown rice) to the pan and allow that to sautee for 5 minutes
• Add 32 ounces of chicken broth and 15 ounces of plain tomato sauce to the pan and bring it to a boil
• Once the mixture has reached boiling point, lower the heat, cover your pan and allow rice to simmer for approximately one hour or until all of the liquid has cooked into the rice

Enjoy!

Strawberry Rhubarb Crisp (GF/WF/Dairy Free/White Sugar Free)

Here is my recipe (a hybrid of a couple of other recipes with my own tweaks) for strawberry rhubarb crisp.

And it's for those of you who can't have wheat. or gluten. or dairy. and are staying away from processed sugar.  Yes friends, it's good and not too bad for you!

Strawberry Rhubarb Crisp
Mix these ingredients into a bowl and place in a greased 9 x 13" pan:

• 12 stalks of rhubarb, cut into 1/4 inch pieces
• A pint of strawberries, hulled and quartered
• 1/2 cup agave nectar
• 1/2 cup GF baking mix or flour
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1 teaspoon of fresh lemon zest

In another bowl, mix these ingredients to make the crisp topping:

• 1/2 cup melted Earth Balance spread
• 1/2 cup melted coconut oil
• 3 cups GF oats (or less if you don't like a lot of oats)
• 1 1/4 cups GF flour or baking mix
• 1/2 cup agave nectar
• Cinnamon to taste

Pour the crisp mixture over the fruit and bake in the oven at 375 degrees for 25 minutes.  Then cover the pan with foil and bake the crisp for another 15 minutes- doing this should allow the crisp topping to brown without burning while the fruit cooks down more and absorbs the juices.

Enjoy!

Meet the Cuisipro Herb Keeper

Okay, it's time to lighten things up a little around here, so I thought I would introduce you to one of my most favorite kitchen items of late.....

The Cuisipro Herb Keeper.

Not only is this good-looking and BPA-free, but good golly it keeps your fresh herbs and vegetables (like asparagus) fresh for weeks!

I received it as a Christmas gift, so I am not sure if it can be found in stores or not (maybe Bed, Bath and Beyond?), but you can find it here on Amazon.com.

Here's to keeping your herbs fresh. Longer!